Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #1

[HPoirot]

Journaling...

Noticed that, when I wake up, I say "Another day in hell" to myself. Even if I'm joking, I can't afford to do that.

Did some different things today... Went to a new barbershop in a part of the city I've never been to get my head shaved and beard trimmed. I usually do this myself but it was good to get out of the condo. Now I look like a well groomed angry hard big man. Nice.

My dad called then to make sure I was on track. He's very detail oriented and it was good he's checking up on me. I feel, though, that I'm clearly not doing enough to be self-sufficient as he had to push me on some things. Time for me to push myself harder.

After s11 came home, I left him to his video games this afternoon which I shouldn't have. Wanted to go for a walk in the woods with him but didn't. I sat and watched a football game I didn't care about. I'm made less than good choices today.

I saw I started to wallow again... so I did get up and finally unpack my suitcases after a week of living out of them. Straightened up my bedroom. I did make myself feel better with the activity. Ordered pepperoni stromboli dinner for me and S11 b/c I haven't started cooking yet. We should have gone out for burgers. Was a little short with S11 just now. He was taking too long to eat. I let him eat in front of the computer which I shouldn't have. Too much I shouldn't have tonight.

I'm irritable. Noting now that I'm not always being on guard living with W, I really really need to have a nightly thing to do. I'll get some board games to play with s11. That and/or get a complicated model to build with him like someone suggested here. Neither of those things really appeal to me, though. I have to start somewhere, though, b/c watching TV is terrible for my PMA and my mind floods with hateful and sorrowful thoughts of W.

That's why I was thinking crazy thoughts just now... Considered calling W to talk. Texting her something to tell her I want to talk. That I'm sorry for cutting her off today. That I'm sorry for ignoring her and treating her like sh*t this week. Feeling angry with myself for even thinking of reaching out to this person who has been so horrible and thoughtless. Wishing I had really yelled at her in anger when I first thought she was in an LDEA instead of being kind and understanding. Knowing that she's hurt and angry and leading with her emotions and I'm just going to have to be the one who takes whatever comes from her with head held high. Knowing that, if I reach out to her, then I'm weak needy man pursuing a W who doesn't want him. I'm not a weak man... just a good man making the same mistakes over and over. That's not good enough. I'm so much better than this. Damn guilt.

So, among the other things I'm doing to grow, I'm going to plan and take a trip to Miami for me and my boy. That and a trip just for me... by myself. To Belize or Brazil. Hell maybe volunteer in Cuba. Something to look forward to. To build myself up to.

Use each day to move forward. Right... I didn't move forward today.

I'm sorry... I'm sad again. Cried in the bathroom like a baby. I'm sick of it but that's just how it's going to be for a while.

Day #9 tomorrow.

I can do this. I just have to believe I can. I'm going to make it.