Thanks for the thoughts everyone. Zed, yes that usually does work for me. I've been seriously lacking the drive to go anywhere to do that though. I was able to have a great last hour of the day with D2, ending with a snuggled viewing of the 1966 version of the Grinch. It all made D2 very happy, which made me happier
Texted with WAW earlier and found out she's having a really bad day. Didn't tell me if she's physically sick or having some kind of mental problem related to her meds or depression. It explains her nastiness yesterday, as well as the fact that she went home and slept from 12:30-3:30 yday afternoon (between housing closing appts) instead of going back to work. I offered sympathy and asked if she had everything she needed. She said no. I didn't ask what she needed, I just said I was here if she wanted me to help.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Had a text convo with WAW yday and today. She is really struggling right now. Losing weight again. I don't know if she feels guilty, hopeless, shamed, all of the above, etc. I tried to convey my understanding and sympathy. Screwed up and told her I missed being her rock when she needed it. Later I said I was sorry if that made her feel worse. She responded that everything made her feel worse.
Lately I've had the selfish thoughts of "if we can't be happy together I don't want her to be happy with anyone". I don't really believe that, and I felt guilty every time I had that thought. Today was the first day in a while that I really felt inside of me that I wanted her to be happy regardless of her decision. I told her today that she deserves joy and love. I don't think she believes that and hasn't since she was a kid, if you ask me. She was insecure when I met her and it never seemed to change
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I understand the struggle, but you have to stop pursuing her. Take a step back and read your posts and think of if you were reading someone else's thread .. What advice would you offer? I know you're concerned about your W but she needs to see that you are not always there. The more you pursue her and offer if she needs anything, etc she knows you are waiting for her while she's not commited to her M.
Sorry if this comes off harsh... I say it with love!
I hear what you're saying, T. I've always struggled with this, though, because I was already not there for her for several years, without even realizing it. So it's kind of a 180 for me to want to talk with her, to show her compassion and affection. But I also know that she's in no mood to receive any of it from me. It will have to wait until she's ready to receive it, which appears likely to never happen.
Today, though, I really was concerned about her wellbeing more than my M. I know she has at least contemplated suicide before. Shes not mentioning anything like that to me, but given her history and the fact that she's going through the worst period of her life, I can't imagine that she hasn't thought about it lately. I've never thought she would actually attempt it, but who knows. Without me being there, when she gets in a really bad spot like she is now, it just makes me worry. Not sure what I could do right now, anyway, unless she asked for specific help from me.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
She just picked up D2 and she looked really bad. Lips pale white, empty eyes. That did not make me feel any better for her. She barely cracked a smile when she saw D2. It's almost impossible for me to do this given her state, but I'm going to leave her alone for the night.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
It will have to wait until she's ready to receive it, which appears likely to never happen.
Argh! It drives me nuts when people write this on this board. When you were at the altar, what were the chances of separating? In your head, nil. When you had a baby, when you bought a house, what were the chances of separating? Nil, again. Yet, today, you are suddenly convinced that you can read the future. You simply don't know how she will feel tomorrow, next week and next month. And feelings change. When you got married, all signs were that you'd be happy forever, yet it changed. Today, she can very well look like she doesn't want you anymore, ever. So what? That's how it looked in every successful sitches. This is not to say that we know she'll be back, but that the true, honest, realistic assessment is that we don't know at all. It can go either way, even if the worst of sitches. And yours is not one of the worst, by far.
And I agree with those who believe that you pursue too much. It's been your problem for several weeks at least. Pursuing hurts you when she wants none of it. Imagine being pursued by someone you're trying to flee. It does not endear you. It looks controlling. If you could stop pursuing, I bet you'd see her opening up more, not less. Perhaps you can try for a day?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Moz, thanks for the 2x4's. I'm still trying to find where I can live with hope but not live IN hope, per uRworthy's advice. I guess I swung too far the other way with the "appears likely to never happen".
And yes, I am a habitual pursuit offender. At one point I had turned the corner but winter and the holidays killed a lot of my GAL activities. Okay, as I'm writing this she just texted me, "I think I have to brave the mall tomorrow". Normally I would respond immediately, especially since I just got back from the mall and I could tell her it wasn't that bad. I'm going to let it go for the night.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
. Good luck.