Maybell XXV: Moving Toward the Lighthouse

[Maybell]

He had a hissy fit about Christmas Eve because I said I had plans for that evening and didn't want the kids & I to go out to dinner with him because I have plans. He had them for Thanksgiving the whole week, and will have them during the day Christmas Eve because I have to work, and will have them the weekend after Christmas as well. So he's only missing dinner with me that evening. He'll see them a lot. When I said no to dinner he demanded to know what my plans were and that I didn't need to be "so mysterious" -- that I could be specific about what my plans were because he has a right to know where his kids are on Christmas Eve. So I told him. Then he wanted D11 to not participate in my plans and also said he would take the boys away from me on Christmas Day to play the video game he bought them.

I said no, he was NOT to do that because he'd had them for Thanksgiving and Christmas was mine. Then he pitched more of a fit and said that "I know things aren't conducive to things being much of a "family" Christmas right now, but I'm doing everything I can to try to make this one at least as normal for them as it can be, and for it to involve us both equally." (which I notice wasn't at all a concern for him when he excluded me at Thanksgiving.) He also claimed to be the only one trying to make Christmas nice for them at all.

So we smoothed that over with some validating and mutual apologies.

Then the next day he asked if I had gotten a separate bank account for my new paycheck and that he had a "right" to know what I'm making and how much is in my bank account because he's treated things as shared and I ought to as well. So I told him my salary, confirmed I have my own account, and told him how much cash was in it. Then I said that if he had anything more to say about the finances we should reserve that for an in-person conversation when the kids weren't present. He answered another element of that email but didn't respond to the finance part, which I took to mean he DOES have more to say about it but is respecting my request to do that in person.

I had told him before he even moved out that if I got a job I wanted to have my own bank account so that I could feel more like my own person and he'd said he understood that. Given how things are going I do feel very insecure about his intentions and any mention he makes about money exacerbates that.

Looking it over again I can see that maybe he didn't mean for that to be nearly as threatening as it feels to me, because he can't understand that I no longer see him as trustworthy and because I've seen so many examples of SAHM's being left in dire straits.

I need to be legally separated to address some of that fear. I am afraid that this new H who snaps at me and seems to expect me to be available at his request is going to try to back me into a corner about taking steps to feel more secure. He's going to see it as a personal insult on his integrity. Which I feel he has very little and he has said (even post-BD) that he has lots of integrity and is a very honest person. I guess, in short, that I'm afraid my changes are about to be tested and that even if they stand firm that I will be made to suffer for it in some way.

I behaved very badly in the months leading up to his departure. To a certain extent, I'm getting what I dished out.

I suspect that things are going to get worse before they get better and I'm not looking forward to it. I've been through enough. I'm ready to spend my time on people who are happy that I care about them. People who don't lash out at me because of their own choices.

Thanks for the idea about celebrating the solstice. I think I'm going to go do that now.