Maybell XXV: Moving Toward the Lighthouse

[Maybell]

Labug, you called it. Not doubt so much as yearning. But it's stupid.

So the Christmas lashing out and the money comment have really rattled me and I've been thinking about how to address those in a way that makes me feel safe without incurring anymore spew.

So I started reading about the pursuer/distancer dynamic to see if spew was the normal accompaniment to adjusting the dance. This led me down a merry road of books that lead to reconciliation, which took my brain with it and reopened my heart to that possibility.

Realistically, there is no possibility of reconciliation at this time. He is not in a place where he can even handle the relationship with his children, let alone with me, considering our history. I am seriously starting to doubt if he will ever be.

This may be an aside, but I have to put it out there, FWIW... the psychic told me he's moved on to #2, and one of my guy friends said he thinks he has too, but if he has there is no evidence of it in the credit cards that I can read. He shows up very little in the credit card statements at all -- and yet we're out a chunk of money and I can't figure it out. Another reason for me to move a legal separation into place.

When we have this discussion and I tell him what I want to do, he's going to snap at me (again) for telling him there's no such thing as legal separation in our state -- which is true, I explained to him how it works, and neither one of us was ready to deal with legal documents at that time. But he has forgotten that part (because I said something about legal separation a few weeks ago and he snapped at me then too), and if he hasn't done his own research to understand how it works in our state then it's not really my responsibility to educate him. But I do kind of fear the conversation. I'm also really anxious about what will happen with the house.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post, but I felt a pressure in my chest that needed to be released. When I told my friend about the Christmas/bank account conversations she said that I was supposed to stay under his thumb till he was ready to deal with me, and that the fact that I'd gotten a job, made my own holiday plans, opened the bank account and declined to pursue him. Why would he want me under his thumb when he has made it so clear he doesn't want me at all? To feel one-up (to use the term from The Passion Trap)? Because he's insecure in his standing in the world and needs to keep me under him so he doesn't hit rock bottom?

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but his behavior is confusing to me and I am anxious about Christmas. I'm not getting him a present but I did let the kids get him a few stocking stuffers and we aren't buying all the xBox games he asked for -- because they have their own ideas of what they'd like him to have and I'm honoring that.