I think I'm done

[mustardseed]

So I think I am ready to get the process started. But I'm scared. And in the meantime I feel like DB techniques are still important, not because I want to win him back, but because I felt sane and confident when I was DBing properly, and somehow I have lost that these past few months. I feel terrified and desperate and I need to get over that.

So DB advice needed!
Here's the deal.
After I got my new job I discussed changing the way we handle fincances so it is more 50/50. Rather than having him give me a flat amount I put him in charge of two bills. The first month of that the bills ended up being late (that was our old habit that always drove me crazy--the reason why I took over the finances in the first place and probably the reason why he started being an A$$). I panicked and said, "Would you prefer if I pay them and you give me the money?" He said he thought that would work better.
November he gave me the money after me asking twice.
December is almost over, still haven't seen the money. mentioned the one bill 3 times, and the other bill once. Now the first bill is coming due again the first week in January and I still haven't seen the December money. I paid it so it is current, but now I am out last months money and need to use the last paycheck I got to pay January.

How do I handle this in a DB kind of way?
In addition we are still giving the kids gifts from both of us for Christmas. Usually we go shopping together, but this year he said he thinks we should both just do it separately. So I asked if he had a budget for each. Nope. He gave me a list of what he already got S13, we discussed briefly what we should get D11. At first I was thinking of just waving the December bills and having him buy all of the gifts with the bill money being my contribution but then I thought better of it. Better to keep it simple. So I again asked for the bill money and mentioned we should save receipts for gifts then split it 50/50. He said OK. We will see how that happens. Is this me making his life easier or is this appropriate conversations to have? I hate not having some sort of plan in place, but he is so noncommittal to everything so I feel like I am doing all of the work and making it easy for him.

The last thing is holidays with the kids. Originally I figured we would split it this way: Thanksgiving they are with him, Christmas eve with me, Christmas day with him. New Years Eve to be determinned. Easter with me. It is kind of how we worked it when we were doing holidays together.

But so far this year he talked the kids into wanting to go to Thanksgiving with me (I loved having them but they were confused). Christmas eve will be with me, but he keeps hinting that he is going to send them with me Christmas day as well. New Years Eve I just texted him that I have plans and wanted to know if he would be around for the kids or if I should ask my parents (I am at my parents' house this weekend). He said he doesn't have plans yet but wants me to ask them. This got me really upset. I didn't respond, but I can't believe he pretends to want to be this involved father and hasn't wanted to spend any holidays with them so far. My reaction was to call him out on that but I resisted.

Now I feel bad. I want to be with my kids on every holiday. But I want them to have a relationship with him. I don't know if this New Year's Eve thing (which has never been a huge holiday for him or us since we've been married) is just his way of reacting to the fact that he didn't expect me to have plans.

I don't know if I have a coherent question here, but I pretty much want to know how to handle these situations with dignity and detachment. I have a hard time with understanding what is boundary setting and what is becoming to involved.

I feel like the the kids and I deserve to have some expectations about what happens for holidays and that I deserve to know that bills are paid on time without me having to be the one paying all of them (I don't mind actually making the payment, but I don't think it should all come from my paycheck).

This makes me want to call the lawyer ASAP just so I have things in writing. But emotionally I am still not ready to pull the trigger.