Christmas week and I am dealing with this first one fairly well. I still cry most days but not for long. I have come to accept that feeling it is the only way to release it. Work is great. The people are wonderful and having this temporary job is the perfect segue to preparing for the permanent job in February.
The other night D16 had finals so I got her at noon and she studied in the break room until the last patient left. It took a while to get out so she missed dance. We had to get the car serviced before the long drive to my folks so we ran over for the last appointment.
It was dark and cold. We were tired and we ended up waiting in the customer lounge watching Wheel of Fortune. D snuggled up next to me on the couch and we laughed and played along. We were tired. I miss my H. I am scared. I am flat broke but I am still happy.
After we got home we opened some Christmas cards. One from an old friend who is in a similar sitch. D does not know this woman but she looked intently at the card while I recounted some highlights of our friendship. D looked again for a few minutes and said her kids look nice, like and us and they are doing fine. She walked over, gave me a big hug and went upstairs. It gave me goose bumps the way she said it.
We are surviving. I was scared we wouldn't be able to do that. It is becoming clear that we are actually starting to thrive too. Who would've thought that even possible?
I mean H just tossed us all aside to find out what makes him happy. He chose OW over his 25 year M and his family. Just like D19 said, "it is terrifying to find out the the person for whom you'd take a bullet is pulling the trigger."
On one hand I believe he is unwell and that his actions are skewed. I want to empathize and stand for my M and my H. In sickness and in health. That's what I promised before God and to the man I love. On the other hand giving this person any power over me is a form of self abuse. MLC is not a recognized condition though my counselor who's been in practice for 22 years believes in it and so does my lawyer. My lawyer believes it is a rebellion against everything and everyone.
So back to Christmas week. It is an emotional minefield. H didn't ask about seeing the girls though I told him we were going to our home state. H could have met us there. H could have stayed with his parents and seen the girls. H didn't offer. He thinks the girls hate him and he has no courage to face them. As time goes on he is escalating everything. The lawyers are ramping up because H won't make a reasonable offer. Again escalating things because he won't deal with anything.
I'd like 2015 to be a year of healing. I want to GAL and work and have some boundaries about our finances. I am not even addressing all those emotions under the surface. I want the time to get mad and hopefully to forgive. Right now I don't know if I can.
Back to this week. How do you navigate the first Christmas with a anisher? You can treat them like you are a widow cherishing their memories but I don't want to be bitter. I need to get through this holiday with grace.
Anyone with any advice?
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
