Had a great day GAL with friends celebrating a friend's birthday.. but D was sick today, and on top of that, I was over an hour late to pick her up from H's house (long story)... AND tomorrow is her birthday.
On the long car ride to H's house, I started thinking about her. This time 4 years ago I was already counting minutes between contractions.
She was not even 3 when H left. That is such a short amount of time.
I have such a flood of emotion. Remembering the night she was born. It was a tough night-- I was in so much pain, stuck in the triage room for most of my active labor because there were no rooms available. And, there was no anesthesiologist available. And, because it was so late at night, my parents were not allowed to stay in the maternity ward waiting room-- they were far away in the emergency room waiting area. My dad kept pestering the nurses, to the point where they asked my H to step in.
My H was trying to shield me from that, and also so unsure of how to help me. All I wanted was for him to be calm and reassuring... and he was too anxious and stressed to do that. In some ways that was the beginning of the end for me. He snapped at me, he got defensive. I was in labor and in excruciating pain and was getting snapped at by my H. I remember feeling like, "I can't believe this is how this is happening". It was such a stressful time.
There was so much more, in just a few short weeks: We closed on our house the very same day that D was born (H left us in the hospital most of that first day to sleep and then go to the closing by himself). Then, one of the biggest blizzards in NYC history hit. Then, we moved 2 weeks after D was born. Then, more storms that left me trapped at home.
Oh, and H was just 6 weeks into a new job at a high profile company with super high expectations. So, on top of everything else at home, he was trying to establish himself at work.
And, I was a mess--physically, emotionally, mentally.
As my IC said, the deck was so stacked against us.
Today triggers a lot of those memories and feelings. I think it's reasonable to feel a bit sad tonight.
