Sorry, have been busy with end of the year stuff and my own mess in my sitch.
Well, I really like what Wonka offered you. I think it's time for your W to have some respect regarding you and all you are going through.
If she is not mentally ill, then she knows very well she has hurt you. That it is difficult for you because you have been cheated, betrayed. She knows you acknowledge the wrongs you have done in you R/M and all the times you hurt her. She knows you choose to work on your M and avoid the D. And yet she wants to pursue it anyway.
So, I really believe it's time to use Wonka's words and set it straight with her. You do not need to yell, say bad words and offend her. You just need to set it the way she will not toy with you anymore.
She is doing all the wrong things here because she is very confused and does not want to make any mistake, but she also need to understand that her choices are hurting other people and she needs at least to have some respect and get out of the picture.
You are doing good, because it is a very hard time in your life. I have kids, and I know how hard it is to be happy for them, uplifting around them, do activities you are not in a mood. But, again like Wonka said, if you try or even fake it at first then it just become.
About the alcohol, I never had trouble with it, but found myself feeling good every time I would drink. Last time I have one too many I end up messing things around. End up in be with my H and it was not very good for either. So now, no more alcohol, it is the enemy, it will make you feel better and then make you feel 100 times worse, beside we have kids. Not a good combination if we want to be responsible.
I got some help with antidepressant at the beginning of my sitch, it's Zolof 25mg for me, I really do not need anything stronger. But it helps to take that agonizing edge of pain. I felt and feel much better and it helps in every aspect of my life.
I can work, eat better, smile and think a little better. The whole mess with the D is still there, I also feel sad, angry, happy, hopeful, discouraged, I am able to feel it all, it's just that I am not shaking and going in a million direction at the same time.
Your IC probably told you that it is perfectly normal to love someone and feel angry with that person. Grief has many stages and anger is one of them. Respect yourself and let yourself live and feel all the steps of grief. It is not an easy task but it is manageable if you know what is happening to you.
Just one idea? For many years I made Gingerbread XMas house with my kids, they loved and they still do, even now they are older, but they enjoy putting it together and making a mess.
We also play games at the kitchen table, it's amazing how you can get into it and basically forget you are sad.
There are also some online games that we get on our phones so we can do it anywhere, anytime. It's some questions, silly and stupid questions like what would you do put a bucket on your hand for the rest of your life or on your foot for the rest of your life. Or would you smell the dog pup or leak the dog trow up? We laugh for over an hour with these stupid things.
It's fun, it's light, it's boy oriented, it's clean jokes, but we create a lovely bond with good mood.
HP, I hope I could give you some ideas to get by for awhile, I have been in the same boat, it just does not have any other way right now. We need to take good care after ourselves and get through it with dignity and respect.
Hope things will get better for you (and for me too) Hang in there, it's the Holidays!
