H asked if we could spend XMas (12/25) together. We agree that would be nice. Then talk about 401K balance so we can separate our finances.
That's is really great, spend XMas together making arrangements for the bid D. What a Hell this whole thing has been.
I said I tough he would spend XMas with his girlfriend and he said that he does not have one, he just have a W. And add saying he does not want to talk about it.
I sometimes think he is going crazy, but my reality is that he is still moving towards the D, making plans that I will keep the house and he will transfer the house just to my name.
Telling me that he is very, very close to his promotion. Tell you, I was feeling really good and then when I talk with him, I feel really crappy. It's tormenting me.
He is so into his own thinking that he does not see anything else around. He has been very selfish his whole life but now it's all about him.
I know I need to disregard his words, but he is so intense in this D stuff once in a while that he eventually talk about that I feel discouraged. I feel he made his mind long ago and now it is just logistics. He said that he is getting his 401K balance to see if maybe we can pay some of the house principal and it will be easier on me to have some lower payment.
Aghh... And I just want his to become a kite and be gone forever. It makes so much easier do not see or talk to him right now.
I have been quite dark but I don't know if it is working or not. I can think that when I go dark that he finds a way to talk to me about something. But I am not really sure if it is pushing him to get to the conclusion that he is better off without me.
I don't know. I also think (reading minds here) that his R with OW is not exactly a R yet. She is coming to Boulder in January for the sales meeting and I am guessing he needs to move towards the D so he can show something to her.
Wow...I have been good at this mind reading, supposing, maybe, guessing stuff lately because the truth is that I don't know anything that is going on in his life. And he basically does not know anything that goes on in my life.
By other hand, I am quite disgusted with him. Because I have been getting myself in a better place and working towards being a better person, I also think that he is being very disrespectful and does not deserve my sympathy.
Sometimes I think he is a JERK and I will be better off without him. But then, what do I do with this stupid heart that still loves him and desire to be with him.
My brain says let go and my heart says fight for. What an idiot combination I have now.
I will do nothing to ruin the chance of having a nice XMas, my kids deserve this. Even throughout this whole separation and divorce talks, they are straight A's, what great kids I have.
So I need to put my best face, smile, attitude and have XMas as a nice family that we are not.
Soon, I will write about my good news at work and GAL. Just needed to vent here, so my head does not explode. Pink
