A Lifetime Movie Starring GB #11

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks Raliced and Mighty ( I'm
always happy when you both stop by and I'm
impressed by how you both handle your stuff-particularly your very difficult sitch, Mighty).

This will be a combo vent/journal. I have felt fairly "stable" for about a month now. However, the boat was rocked a bit on Tuesday's therapy visit for the kids. I was called back for both sessions and D9 referred to her dad as " a crappy douche. (What?) dad" and that she couldn't stand that he was so weird. The C said we finally have a break through as the kids are beginning to adjust to the new him and they need help in how to interact with him. She said it seemed they were waiting for their "old" dad to emerge and I can honestly say that man is MIA. He declined to take them tonight (his scheduled sat night) because he is going to a party and he "will see them after Christmas."

D9 had an epic breakdown (this is not your typical tantrum) and grabbed s4 by the hair and slammed his head down. She then said she was going to hurt him and me. And I was reminded this am of my mother and friends saying "you need to be dating." Again, it's not that I wouldn't like someone in my life. They would literally be walking into an atomic bomb and I'm not embellishing. D9's behavior has concerned me for years (suspension from school and expulsion from preschool) and continues to escalate. Therapy helps but it is a very stressful and tenuous sitch. She had a friend spend the night and the friend tried to calm her down. Eh. We just keep trucking along.

On another note, a friend reached out up me earlier this week. It's almost like he read my mind as he asked me something very personal. I was hesitant to speak honestly but then I realized he was safe as he lives in another state. I shared my feelings on something I've posted here a few times- the desire to completely relinquish control and be totally vulnerable. I've not felt that exposed in a long time. He said he got it. And what I said is rather um dark. Not sure why I was able to be so honest with him. I've never told anyone what I told him. I think it's because I knew he would not judge me or think of me "a certain way." Not sure if that makes sense. And I felt so raw after talking to him. Weird.

And I've logged back into the dating site and started chatting with a couple of people. If anything I'm trying to be completely honest. I do like meeting people and I'm open to doing do. It just seems (and this happened with HG too ) they say, "what happens if we really like each other?" And I just want to say " one bridge at a time like I tell s4. I'm not leading anyone on and I try to remind them I'm open to x and I have no idea what happens if z. One step at a time. On a humorous note, my male and female friends are impressed with the fact that all of these guys are cute and 10 years younger. :-). I'm going to get a business card that reads "GB-hot, young dude magnet...at this one moment in life."

And continuing on with my unconventional way of living, kids and I are going to xh parents house for Xmas for a few days. Apparently, he still hasn't spoken to them and well (this is very in DB of me) they aren't missing much.

Hope everyone is well. Xo