Not many changes to report on my front. We seem to be in a cycle where things are good for about 2 weeks and then not so good for the next 2 weeks.
We did have an interesting conversation about forgiveness at MC this week. H admitted that he is holding onto a few hurts and that he "doesn't know" how to let them go even though I have apologized. H asked the MC how to truly forgive. The MC said that it's specific to the hurt, but that if H didn't believe my apology that could be a reason why he isn't able to let it go. H agreed that may be the problem and said that we could talk about it "offline" because the session was ending.
Unfortunately, despite 2 planned attempts to have that conversation, we haven't been able to make any headway because H can't think of any past hurts outside of the Top 5 Greatest Hits (Hurts?) but he thinks it will be a great model for us to remedy hurts as they come up in the future! I asked H if there was a reason that he didn't want to try dealing with one of those Top 5 hurts and he acknowledged that he isn't ready to let them go because holding onto them protects him from further hurt. I admit (here) that I don't understand his logic here at all, but I validated and suggested that we try with one of mine instead.
I tend to think of myself as pretty "good" at forgiveness -- I think I can move forward and treat someone who has treated me poorly with kindness and love rather easily. But one thing I've realized lately is that, at least where H is concerned, my past hurts do influence how I react when the other person is hurting. I'm not able to be as compassionate if there's a similar, unresolved hurt of my own rattling around in there.
So, I told H about an incident that I've been holding onto for a while (which actually parallels on of his Top 5 very closely, and that may be why he doesn't fully believe my apology for that, because maybe it ISN'T 100% sincere) and he apologized. I'm not sure that I believe him, and this is in an interesting place for me to be in because I've never wondered whether or not the apology was sincere; I've just accepted it. Even now, I don't know how I feel, but I do think he made a genuine effort to understand and accept responsibility for his role.
