Card29 VIII

[Card29]

I just had a realization about why this is hitting me so hard (even though it hits everyone hard). I've always wanted to avoid being my dad, especially his bad qualities. So I didn't drink until I was 29, I didn't go out and party once I settled down, I was a Mr Nice Guy which was the opposite of explosive and rage-filled (he was at times, not all of the time). But the last two weeks I've been full of self-loathing, I feel inadequate, ugly, unwanted, rejected. I guessed these feelings are normal after finding out your W wants a divorce, but I think I'm having an especially hard time because I really did become my dad. I'm not an alcoholic, but my W doesn't love me, just like my mom didn't love my dad even though they never got a D. I thought I'd been full of self-worth for my whole life. I thought I was a "catch", and I was content in our M. But was I depending on my W's acceptance of me to make me feel like that?