I thought everything was okay...(Part 2)

[Vanilla]

Vanilla,

MCS is picking his jaw up from the ground and crying his eyes out right now. You said some of the exact things she said to me. So its easier for me if I talk to Vanilla as I would love to talk with my W.......

I understand what you are saying here, but I don't understand 'why' you are saying it.
because that is how I feel. My feelings are my feelings to understand not yours. Stop, manage your own feelings. Just validate "W these are your feelings and you are entitled to have them, and I may never understand and it's ok."

That's what I don't get, why do you feel that way.
because I do, and perhaps I may never know myself

I'm not trying to judge, I really am not.
then stop mentioning it and quizzing me. It makes me feel judged which is also my feeling

How do I show acceptance about things,
STFU about it, just trust me to handle it.

yet still actively participate in working things out;
stick to your own feelings, I guess you have lots of those. Stop managing mine

accept things but still have the opportunity to voice my concerns.
Voice your concerns is right and I will voice mine

How do we have open communication?
Not at the moment thank you. Things aren't clear enough for me. When and if I am ready I"ll let you know

I never meant to judge you.
May be you didn't, but I felt as if you did. More validation and STFU. Stop trying to control my feelings, they are mine

I've always seen you as my equal in life, we complelented each other.
maybe, but what about what I thought?

I thought we would talk about things and come to a consensus together.

Maybe, but how much of my views did you take into account? Perhaps it's my fault and I should have held out for what I wanted more.

We used to do that before kids and life caught up with us and I don't know what changed that we can't don't it anymore.
I am not in that place

I don't want to do that anymore if that makes you unhappy.
there you go trying to manage my feelings.

I want you to be happy, I want you to be comfortable.
that's good, I want to be happy and comfortable

What can I do to help you feel that way?
Nothing, they are my feelings. Don't do anything. Manage your own. Validate me, accept me and let me have my own feelings

__________________

Wow, just wow Vanilla. It stings, because for the first time I can see someone in my wife's shoes. I never thought she felt this way until after she left and it is so painful seeing someone else feel that way to. What can I do now about it.

DB in all its glory. Validate Ws feelings and STFU

What happened to you, Vanilla that you didn't become a WAW?
I was so close to it, but I am older, in a shorter M, I have the 12 steps and I found DB

How do I change this?
By standing, stop judging others, reading improving. This applies to the guys at work, the dreadful driver on the road, MIL, OM, S, the cleaner.

I do think this is an easy change to make, it's one of realisation, when you catch yourself being critical of another person for who they are, realise that it's none of your business.

Manage the behavioural interaction (boundary) not the person. Never judge feelings, there are really no such things as feelings just states of mind and body. In fact the body can only really have one state at a time. So if you are in a judgement angry or critical state, go do something that changes it. And I don't mean toys and prams, I mean dance, paint, run, hug your S.


I think I did okay with W the last couple days, but I'm struggling with discussing arrangements about kids with W.

the vets will help you with this more, but they do say be friendly and matter of fact

I'm deeply hurt with what she did to the kids.
Stop, reflect, don't judge.

and I'm trying to balance that out with her desires for what she wants with them.
thats her place to know, do what you want to do and that is enforce proper boundaries

I don't agree,
that is your right

but I'm scared to tell her that because of how she's been feeling throughout this, just like you have above.
STFU and manage your own feelings, if there is something in the kids interests put that first.


How do we have that conversation and me discuss my feelings about the kids and not show judgement?
At this stage, I think you can't have that conversation.

Vanilla, thank you so much for this....please help me change
dearest one you are doing that all by yourself, it is only my post which resonated and caused release in you. There will be a time when you will return the favour when I get stuck.

May I recommend a spiritual book by Michael George about Love Actually. I think you would find it inspiring.

Can a couple of the vets please just check in and ensure I have expressed ok.
Projecting peace of mind to you
Vanilla