Angry WAH blames me for everything.......(2)

[labug]

Step right up folks as I share with you, a cautionary tale. In which Calibri, tries to embrace and show vulnerability, and instead looks like an insecure And nagging LBS and breaks AAAALLLLLL DB rules.

Yeah. So, I decided to be spontaneous and invite H out for dinner tonight. Even sweetened the deal by promising a quick dinner and no R talks. I send the text.

He responds back saying he's very busy at work doing some horrendous sounding task, and that he probably will have to work late and skip some Xmas holiday thing he was planning on going to, suggested us having lunch as an alternative later this weekend but he would let me know later but thanked me for the invite.

I text back saying I didn't realize he had other plans and that it sounded like a stressful day and no worries either way. Just let me know. He said will do.

And I don't hear back from him. Which, honestly? Annoys the [censored] out of me because, how hard is to respond to a text message? Add to the fact that yesterday H had promised me that he would stop dropping the ball and be better about responding to texts. So I sent a message saying I was starving, and had he had a chance to decide, because I was hungry.

He responded that he had just left work and decided to stop in at the holiday party after all, since it was just down the road. Told me to go ahead and eat, but he "appreciated the invite tho." I asked if it was a work party. No, it's for the new gym he goes to occasionally. Now, for the record, I'm not mad that he went to the party. I'm mad that he didn't let me know he was going to the party and not going to accept the offer for dinner. Ok, I'm a little mad at the fact that he's going to the party because this is the second time he's told me that he was busy with work and couldn't talk to me or, in this case, go to dinner, but later went and worked out or did something else. Just be honest and say you don't want to talk/see me.

This is where I should've said - ok, have fun at the party. Goodnight!

We know that didn't happen.

So. I decided (now to my horror) to express how I felt in a calm manner instead of bottling it up and blowing up later. So I said that I wish he had let me know earlier that he wasn't going to go to dinner, instead of dragging it out for hours and how my feelings were a bit hurt that he wouldn't accept a dinner invite with me because "it was a stressful late day at work", but went to the holiday party instead, and how this is the second time this has happened and I wish he could just have been honest with me from the get go.

*whack* that's the sound of me hitting myself with a 2x4.

He apologized saying that he should've let me know early, and that it came from a sincere place, but that he thought I had rescinded the offer by how I worded my text saying "no worries either way." I said, and "you responded back to that text with a will do." (OMG Calibri - STFU) There's a pause, and he apparently went back and read the text message and said," you're right, I did. I didn't look back earlier, I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you again."

This would be where I should've said, thank you, miscommunication happens, enjoy your party. But no. I want to show vulnerability. So I text back with, "it took a lot for me to work up the nerve to ask you to dinner tonight."

OMG. Please let the ground open up and swallow me whole.

He responds with, "I know and I threw it back in your face. That wasn't intended and the gesture isn't lost on me. I'd like to make it up to you, perhaps with lunch?"

And because I can't STFU. I said, "no, I don't feel that you threw it back in my face at all. It's just tough because I no longer am first priority in your life anymore and while I realize my invite was last minute and you had other plans it's just hurtful that you chose a holiday party with people you barely know vs dinner with your wife. I know that you're doing what you want and need to do with your life right now. I don't understand it all, but I do respect it. It just [censored], especially with your promise yesterday not to leave me hanging."

I mean, could I be any more unconfident, insecure, needy and lay on the guilt (which was not my intention, but I realize can be interpreted as such)? OMG.

He responds with, "I'm already beating myself up over that. As soon as I saw your message I went, '[censored], I did it again." Me: "I really am not trying to make you feel bad, I promise. I'm just trying to articulate how I feel in a calm manner instead of letting it fester and blow up in anger. Him: "I'm sorry be hurt you again, you took a gamble and I appreciate it. I'm sorry. Maybe we can have lunch tomorrow or something."

I thanked him for his apology and the convo ended shortly after.
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I can't even with myself. While I realize the conversation could've been worse, I didn't paint myself in the best light. I probably missed a chance to validate him - like, "I'm sure the party will be fun, a great way to blow off steam after a stressful day." Or something like that. Which he would've side eyed but would've been better than my needy, feeling driven Drabble in which I've somehow guilt tripped my WAH into taking me to lunch as an apology for not wanting to accept a last minute invite to spend time with me.

I. Can't. Even.

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On the plus side? The old H would've immediately driven home and done what I wanted. Good for him for doing what he wanted for a change.

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Be gentle with me.

A few questions about his whole episode,

Why? I thought you were in NC or going dark.

Do you see why going dark might be helpful?

Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?

Your need to control this is really strong.