I thought everything was okay...(Part 2)

[Vanilla]

OK , MCS, I was waiting for you to ask, about judgement, perhaps it's because I was nearly a WAW myself that I have some insight into this,, so I am going to call it as I see it and I am going to move into W position as the first.

I will write as if I were W for a short while.

Vanilla,

I think that W really didn't know what was involved with parenting and saw MCS attentive and self satisfied as a dad, but W never seemed to 'settle' in to being a mom. W was a great mom, but struggled with her own individuality during it.

H you are judging me, how do you know what I feel about parenting? Perhaps I didn't want to settle as a mother, perhaps I also wanted to be W. I want to fit my own image as a W and a person not yours. I weighed myself ok. Did you want me to fit my own image as a mother or yours?

Then, MCS was satisfied with his job, but W was not in hers (always had friendly competition between us.)

Perhaps I did not want a friendly competition, perhaps my relationship was the one place I wanted to let loose and not be in competition. Perhaps I wanted to be validated, loved and to let go. Instead I felt you were weighing me against yourself.

Then W got overwhelmed and saw MCS just peachy keen in the M (around same time as friendship with OM.) That's when the resentment started. MCS made some changes once he found W was struggling, but not enough to counteract the resentment and blossoming A with OM. OM had focus on W and was just her and him having fun.

Perhaps for once I felt that I was not judged. I don't care whether I measure up or not. Whether in your eyes I am an 8 out of 10 or a 3 out of 10. Just quit evaluating how I am, just doing this makes me feel scruntised. I think I walk on egg shells.

Some of this below was confirmed by W, but there has to be more than she said.

MCS thinks A went too far emotionally and W took it to the final level physically (she denies this.) MCS still peachy keen in M, but W makes a decision to be 'happy' with OM. Asks OM about it, OM says no thanks. Then W feels guilty around peachy keen MCS and is still trying to get OM to change his mind. Drops bomb on MCS and normally confident MCS is a puddle in the corner. W sees best of both worlds, show OM how much she wants R and not totally destroy or wait to see how MCS reacts to news of OM.

Perhaps, perhaps not. You can think what you like about this but you are reading my mind. Perhaps I just want to be in a safe place, a saner place, or maybe I am really in love or infatuated. At this point I don't care what it is, it's different.

W leaves MCS and tries to continue to court OM. MCS finds out about OM, confronts W and says, we can still work through this. Well, W is still in fantasy land and also feels she's too far into this to situation, it's easier to continue W's current path.

gracious, now this is going to get worse for me. I have dared to get an improved position in my life and if I go back then I will be in the dog house. Will this be in my life forever. I am not in a fantasy land and even if I were that has to be a better place than I was.

Then MCS detaches, gets business and shows W MCS is moving on. W gets cold dose of reality now she's on her own for a while. Gets mad at MCS because he's just fine and W is not and then realizes how much MCS actually cared about her.

I have never really doubted that MCS cares about me, but he evaluates me and measures me, reads my mind. I don't like it and I have said so on several occasions, am I being heard yet? How loud to I have to shout this? I need to stay away as I am uncomfortable and now I guess it could get worse.

W gets enough IC to come to grips with going back on her decision.

Yes, but I don't know if I will or not. Is it safe, if I do will I always feel evaluated on this along with everything else?

MCS is a changed man, understanding that he was a good guy, but complacent in making sure W was happy in M.

OK but is it enough, will it be reversed and how do I know that I can go back and be OK? Perhaps some things will change but will I feel that I am MCS W, an equal in my M, accepted for me?.

W realizes her M was really good and her unhappiness was within.

yes obviously, but there were causes too.

W courts MCS, he's skeptical, but hopeful. After a period, MCS realizes that W has changed and is back to being comfortable with herself and her marriage. Sweet music, sunsets, closing credits.

Perhaps MCS has changed too?

(Okay, last paragraph was made up, but I needed something to make me feel better as I sit in the house with rooms with no furniture. I know the 'man above' is reading this and I want to remind him what MCS did tonight with OM and yesterday with helping W move, just in case he forgot.....)

Okay, so I guess I'm not totally detached yet.

No MCS I think you are very attached. If you were detached there would be no judgement of Me, no evaluation . on ordinary things, there would only be love and love needs no judgement. MCS would leave his judgements at the door.

MCS whether your judgement gives W a Full score or a minus one, relate to W with full active love and acceptance. Not attachment.

Of course my comments above are about how I, Vanilla would feel as W, it is only Vs interpretation and there are many others. They won't be Ws actual feelings and thoughts of course, but it's what I see and saw. It is uncomfortable to do this as it brings up some of my own feelings about being judged and criticised and ideally I would recommend that you see this in W shoes for yourself. I do so from a good place so I want us to be good on it. So take what you will from it.

MCS I know you are thoughtful and I was expecting you to keep on thinking about this as something obviously resonated. It is just my view. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Just one final thought: a grey bedroom? How warm would that be to returnt to?

Your friend Vanilla