afraid I have waited too long #5

[nit84]

Zew,

Thanks for the comments!!


"You're saying the right words, but you aren't convincing me that you've accepted them.

Nobody wants the D (at least initially). You can't stop it. So stop dwelling on it not being what you want. Figure out what you will be doing if it does happen, and move in that direction today."


I feel like I know what I will be doing if we D but until the D actually happens. I cant fully do what I see myself doing, which is meeting someone and having a great time together and see where it leads. I will not date until I am completely D. This is very important to me. I am not trying to be better than anybody that is S and has chosen to date. I just feel differently about the dating while M issue.


In my state my W thinks she has grounds for D but doesn't want to go that route to save money and reputation.(her words)

She has not asked me to agree to "mutual consent" D, all we need is a fair settlement and I would agree to sign that type of D. We have no children so it is the house, the retirement, and the property that is it. My proposal allowed for my W to walk away debt free with half the retirement of which she contributed 20% and as far as property there is only a few things I really wanted after the furniture was divided but my W already took a lot of the stuff that wasn't even discussed. That honestly doesn't bother me except for our cat.

So there really is not much negotiating that's needs done for a settlement to be in place IMHO.

Her proposal had me paying off all the debt and refinancing the house which is fine but she wants to say that all of the marital debt(credit cards) is all my responsibility. and therefore is asking in essence for an 90%/10% split of the retirement because she makes less than me. They are taking random financial numbers and arranging them in a way that isn't possible. I agree with all the figures. it is just how they are using them. They are taking things from when they say we S and then taking number from right before I was served the D complaint it has to be one or the other. The numbers right before the D complaint are obviously higher because they had 11 months to grow. She thinks the house is worth 33,000 higher then the Appraisal I had done.

her L said they will wait to do their own appraisal till closer to the court date. This is in hopes the house value comes in higher.


My L says I have more than enough intel to file D on adultery but I don't want to do this at the moment because things aren't all that rosy with my W and her OM. Not saying if that fizzles she will come back but I don't want to drag her though the mud because the A is not a dealbreaker for me.

I think that is more the reason my W won't file on certain grounds. Because what she is alledging is a little bit hard to prove according to my L. I believe she knows that what intel I have will make adultery grounds a viable option for me.

None of it really matters in the end so if we could agree on a settlement, things could be over relatively soon. I know I can't stop it so if we can agree then we can go our separate ways

All that financial talk was 5 months ago and hasn't been brought up since. I provided the info for so people on here would know a little about my frustration.


I don't believe my W is completely controlling my life. I still GAL I have done some 180's that my W has noticed and they upset her. Most of my changes have stuck. the ones that haven't are ones that need money to continue which is running low at the moment.


I do still want to R so in that regard you are correct in saying my W has some control over me. I don't know what to do other than date someone that will make it look like I am moving further away. I used to text her at least twice a week last year. I don't do that any more. I could email her a lot more but I haven't. I could go to where my MIL bartends and whine to her. I don't do that.

When she was living here with me I would make it appear like I possibly had a date and GAL. She is not here so that is off the table. I just do what I want. Whether that be go to a movie, or sit at home and watch a sports event. I don't sit around hoping she pulls in the driveway and comes flying into my arms. I use my dreams for that stuff.


I understand that it has to be her decision to come back and that is what bothers me. She get frustrated easily and quits on things. She holds grudges against people for reasons that are her own. She gets upset when things that she thought would be one way turn out to be another. I have all of this working against me.

Everybody on here has that working against them.

I suppose I could send the LRT letter but I don't feel I can do that yet and make it stick.

I believe you are correct when you say what my W is doing is strategic in nature. Maybe that will change depending on how the Modification hearing goes. I will continue IMC appointments till they no longer help and I will pray for the best outcome. Whatever that is.

Lets say that in a couple months I believe I have become a person only a fool would leave and friends and family concur. The problem is this person I will have become still upsets my W. What do I do then?

She is upset now and most likely she will remain upset in a couple months from now. What will change for me? I probably will be doing GAL, The 180's will be true changes if they aren't already and I will still be in IMC. So I guess more of the same but in a good way. Her loss but that doesn't make me say "Oh well, I tried and shut any possibility of a R out of my mind" It will just be further down the line.

I do have this little bit of fear that if we do D and I have become this man that only a fool would leave. I would be able to be that person for someone new without a problem going forward. But every chance I got I would show what a fool my W was/is for not believing in me enough to try and save our M.

Zew, I hope you don't take what I have typed as me dismissing what you are saying. It is not that at all. I have a hard time putting exactly what I mean in words or text.

That is not lost on me as a contributing factor for why I am where I am at in my M.

You have always given me straightforward advice and opinions as has a lot of the other vets and it is greatly appreciated and I hope you and others continue to do so.

I know what I want, I don't know how to get there at the moment. If I don't get what I want I will still be ok, I will just be doing it with someone new and be much poorer.