Separated about a month, now what?

[Calibri]

There were a few things I wanted to comment on -- but wanted to say hello first.

Hi everyone, I am welcoming all help and advice if you have patience to read through this.

My H suffered a bad accident a few years ago while we were engaged. He's been on paid meds, through several surgeries. Even before that, our relationship was somewhat unstable, but I mostly attributed that to his quickness to going into a defensive-aggressive stance when I brought something to him I wanted to talk about. I think all his life he's complained about feeling 'pushed over' by other people, not just me.

Do you have an idea where this comes from? What's the history behind this?

And I was one heck of a talker. Had something to say about everything, even his thoughts and feelings.

Oh, me too. I've got something to say about EVERYTHING. I can relate. Why are you so vocal?

He told me for years I wasn't listening but I got tired and frustrated with hearing it...and told him I didn't want to be his counselor this past year, tried to point out that sometimes I had feelings and it wasn't all about him.

Why did you think it was all about him? He complained that you weren't listening - were you?

I think deep down I just wanted him to be well adjusted (even before the accident, but we love who we love) and happy, and I was more interested in trying to get him thinking in ways I found acceptable than accepting him in all of his dark places.

Define acceptable? What does that mean to you?

He didn't end up well adjusted at all, I think I contributed significantly to a sense of isolation and loneliness, and of course, depression.

This is said very lovingly and very respectfully -- because I'm the same way -- but how is it a) your responsibility to make him well adjusted and b) your place to judge what is "well adjusted"? Seriously -- go look at my first thread and look at the conversation labug and I had two days about something similar.

He blocked my phone calls whilst pretending everything was fine between us, rationalizing it as it just being better for him. He would say things like that a lot, he didn't want to battle me. When I found out, I was angry for weeks. I mean, how do you do that? Just block your spouse bc you don't feel like dealing with them?

How did he handle conflict before? Is this a new behavior since the accident or has he always been this way? People have different ways of dealing with conflict. My H avoids it at all cost. I dive head first into it. It's made it very difficult because we didn't learn to handle conflict in a constructive way that made both of us feel heard and respected.

We stopped talking about things, trying to meet in the middle. I just had enough of trying to bear the financial burdens and emotional heaviness of him, always telling me I didn't care about him, and I went all tough love and cold, trying to get him to find some independence for my sanity. He lost trust for me, feeling like I was disappointed and didn't respect him, and would yell things like, "you don't have my best interests in mind."

Do you? I'm not trying to be rude. Can you identify ways he would feel that way?

My life changed forever when he had his accident, and I did everything I could to be there for him. Well, everything I could provide - I didn't listen and that's what he wanted most. But it hurt me and made me angry to hear these things.

What upset you about it? Also, it sounds like his accident was very hard on you. Did you seek any individual counseling to help you with your feelings?

He was seeing a counselor but I'm not sure what good it's done.

That's between him and his IC. Not you. You may not see what it did, but your H may have gotten alot from it.

Our last argument was the way he was cussing at people, and I attacked him for it, he got mad that I couldn't see his side (I could, but was so embarrassed at the way he handled it), and he continued cooking for us but would sleep in the guest room. This lasted about two weeks. I'd ask for a hug, if he wanted to let our relationship slide downhill like this, he'd deny affection and say he didn't know what else to do. The last straw was one morning when he flipped me off while we were talking and I lost it, told him to find somewhere else to live.

Again, has he always acted this way -- or since the accident?

And it's felt like good productive work, like we're starting to connect. I have to get a hold of a lot, criticism, judgement, dumping my angry feelings on him instead of processing...

How are you working on this?

Some days he has stayed home and we both find reasons to spend time or go out. Some weeks he's been away. There's an interesting push pull dynamic, and when I look at when he withdraws again it seems it's out of his own warming feelings as much as me trying to get answers from him he doesn't have.

I think this is a bit of mindreading. Who knows why he's pulling away. Also, best advice I can give you....being three months in with a H that sounds alot like yours....do not push your H for answers right now. He doesn't have them. You'll likely get upset that he doesn't have the answers, and it'll start blowing up. Accept what you know as truth. Be patient for the answers. Forcing him will likely get you a response that you don't want to hear. I'm lucky as hell my H hasn't filed for legal separation/divorce yet (partially because he can't until we've been separated a year,) because I pushed for answers. Hard. I wanted to know why he hadn't filed, when he was going to file, what it meant if he haven't filed, did he miss me, love me want to work on it, etc. Looking back, I'm embarrassed at a) how I acted b)how needy I was and c) and very thankful he didn't tell me to STFU (well, actually he did. On our anniversary. Banner moment, let me tell you.) but hasn't filed or blocked me from contacting him.

In the last four weeks his walls have started coming down and he's listening and interested in my point of view, but is still saying there is no hope here and he doesn't know how we can work this out. He just wants to be left alone.

I keep reading alot about you. But what about him? Are you listening to him? There's a pattern - he keeps articulating that he wants to be heard. Again, are you listening?

He's gone for the next six weeks now. It was a planned trip away, and we'd had a really good couple of days prior. Some of his anger and resentment for me is fading but my gut says that he doesn't know how to end this and that is what he resolved to do. He's never been one to initiate or act decisively if he isn't pressed, so although time is on my side, I feel like this could drag forever like this.

Ok. I get this. I feel/felt that way about my H sometimes. Feel like he doesn't know how to end it, or he's just stringing me along until he won't look like the bad guy. But I'm learning not to look into things like that because my H doesn't know what he's thinking half the time, and I sure as hell don't either. It's buying trouble.

He did express sadness that our date nights wouldn't continue when he left. And he's declined to call in for his counseling sessions while he's away.

Sounds positive about the date nights. I wouldn't read into declining the call into c sessions.

I am trying my hardest to respect that he wants this time and silence, and focus in on me, GAL, the whole thing.

This will be very hard, but it's imperative that if he's asked for time and silence that you give it to him.

The whole issue was I was always pushing my agenda, thoughts, etc and not open to his.

Why is this? Why is it so important to you that your voice and your agenda be heard?

I guess the hardest part is trusting that things might be mending with time alone, and that I'm not losing him through six weeks of this distance he's asked for while he figures himself out.

If you haven't read Maybell's latest post (the title has the word lighthouse in it) you should. She came to a very powerful conclusion the other day that resonated with alot of us. You could also reframe your situation in your mind instead of six weeks where you could loose him...to six weeks where you can work on yourself, to become a stronger person for yourself and within your M.

I know that if he is willing to work on our marriage, and have faith and some hope in life in general, work on the things he identified at our last session, we can do this. I am committed to becoming kinder and more open about a lot of things and removing my need to be heard as right in every conversation. He says the amount of change we need from each other is something that would take years. It's overwhelming to him.

It probably will. I'm not saying this to be a negative nancy. People constantly change and situations evolve. Change doesn't happen overnight. Nor does it stick overnight. It's a constantly evolving process. And if he's overwhelmed -- he's going to go at it on his timeline. What he's comfortable with. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

So. What can I do in the next six weeks to show him the changes I'm working on, but without pursuing him about the relationship? I found a picture I wanted to text him, simple quote, "faith - it does not make things easy in makes them possible." Haven't sent it, no one gets themselves in trouble by saying nothing, right?

Respect his wishes. If he asked for silence and space -- give it to him. If you guys have contact, listen to what he's saying. Don't ask for answers. Don't press him. Don't push. Listen and let it evolve.