Wife Still in MLC but has now left #7

[Matt165]

LT,
Every time I take a step forward, some new horror arrives at my doorstep. Every time I make progress, however slight, a new set back shows up. I live in fear of the smallest thing such as my car breaking down as it would be impossible for me to get it fixed. I need the funds to get help with my IRS problem but I don't have it and I'm out of time. I need to work towards making money at my work and I find out the person in charge of the co. funds hasn't been paying the rent so we have to vacate the offices. My cell phone stops working and my lawyer tries to drop me because he can't reach me so I need to spend the day in court. I find a job that looks promising but I need to pass courses. Courses that I need to pay for before getting reimbursed and that means money I don't have. I have had to beg and borrow and even if I succeed, I will start so far in debt it will take years to get out. The series of events that started when the co I worked for for 10 years closed would have been hard enough under normal circumstances. Add in my W and her MLC antics and it just is too damn much. I get that there is nothing "fair" in the world, that sh!t happens. But at the same time, it's when things like this happen that you are supposed to be able to count on family. Instead, my W decides to destroy that family, throw it away like it was nothing. Oh, it was great when she needed us. She counted on me and that family when it suited her. Talked about how important it was for family to always be there for each other. As soon as it wasn't to her advantage anymore, as soon as it was her turn to step up, family became meaningless.

People lose jobs unexpectedly every day, it happens. It's stressful and you do the work and you move on. People start businesses all the time that they work hard on and they don't make it. You take your losses, learn your lessons and again, move on. People have IRS problems often. They do the work, take the time needed to get all the info together that is needed and you mount a defense. People learn new things all the time to help better their careers. They take the time when they can, learn what they need, take the exams, move on. M's end all the time. You have problems, try to work them out, if it works, great, if not, you end things.

Any of theses things alone are stressful events. Hard but you work through them and move forward. All of them together while at the same time dealing with an irrational person who is trying their best it seems to make your life harder is he!!. Add the fact that there is no money but you have to feed and take care of your child, get her to a school 30 miles away and home half the time. Trying to do all these things all at the same time while dealing with a S that actually thinks her life is hard and is actually trying to undermine you and it becomes like climbing a mountain with no gear...every time you take a step up, you slide 2 steps down.

If I was only dealing with my D it wouldn't be fun but it would be doable. But when you add all the other things and it gets like you are weighed down and there isn't enough air. Cancer is a mindless disease. You didn't spend 25 years building a R with it and it unexpectedly turns on you. It doesn't take your kids away from the only life they have ever known. It doesn't come into your home and take things that you have worked all your life for like a thief while justifying it's actions by spewing hatefulness and rewriting history.

Don't get me wrong, I understand what you are saying. I have the choice to keep trying, keep moving forward or give up. I get that. You are right about the wallowing as well. It just seems so useless sometimes. Why keep going when it seems that the universe it's self is against you. Why keep trying when it's only a matter of time before the next thing comes calling. The fact that I'm facing these things alone also doesn't help. While there may be no definition of "fair" in the world, there is justice. I firmly believe in the concept of justice. It just doesn't seem like it really exists in my world any longer. So, what is left? What do I have to look forward to even if I make it through this and do well at the job? Years of crushing debt. Years of dealing with my stbxw because of my D15 tying us. Years of not being able to do what I want with my D without her say so. Running her to and from a school far away. Who gets her on what holiday. Basically starting over from scratch but this time thousands of $'s in the hole!

This is what I have to look forward to? Is it really worth it? I guess in the end it has to be better than just giving up. But man, at times the idea of just stopping and saying "Enough!" is so appealing! Some nights, all alone in the quiet it's easy to start thinking "Well, I've had enough of this", if you know what I mean. The only thing I have left at times is the knowledge that my D's need me. That is what I'm feeling the last few days. Not fun, not useful but it is how I'm feeling. I suppose I could be worse off. I could be homeless and have no way at all to get out of this he!! I find myself in. I can keep telling myself that.

You are right about the lemonade, LT. It just seems like there may be so much in the end I may just drown in it! Thank you for the 2x4. I will keep going still I just have to dig deeper and deeper all the time to find that reserve of hope and energy.

[tadpole1025]

Hi Matt. I know (and a lot of us do) what you are going through. I can read your thread and feel like I wrote it. I had a lot of the same feelings and even contemplated suicide for a very long time. You WILL get through this. I promise. I wanted to share something that I wrote recently about my XW's MLC and my own experience with depression:

"Before bomb drop, I can say that I never thought of it. Ever. I had a great life: awesome wife and kids, wonderful career, plenty of money, you name it.

When my brother did it at the end of 2008, I began to think about it a lot, but not in the sense that many would probably think. It was more of a curious thing. I wondered what could have possibly been going through his head in the last weeks/days/hours/minutes before he did it. How could he possibly be so low that he figured that ending it was the best way out? I was very angry at him for a long time. I thought it was one of the most selfish acts that a person could commit. I didn't understand why. How could he do that....especially to his three kids and his mom? I just didn't get it. I had a radio buddy at the time that confided in me that he was at a point once when he considered it. He told me to quit trying to figure it out. (Sound familiar?) He said that unless I've ever been to that point, I'd never understand. He said that NOBODY would ever know what it is like to be that low unless they've been there themselves. Over time, I began to slowly let it go.

Then, bomb drop at the end of 2010.

Once XW left, I was a mess. I started to think about my brother again and started thinking about suicide A LOT. I mean....A LOT. I would get up in the morning, pour a rum and Coke, and jump in the shower. I would sit in there in the dark until the water got cold. When I got out, I would sit in my bedroom until I thought the water was hot again and I would repeat the process. I did this 5, 6 even 7 times a day. That is when I would think about it. How? When?

I worked evenings so I would sober up a little bit, go to work and do my show. I tried to sound like the fun, party guy that I was supposed to be, but I knew I wasn't pulling my weight. I was a really big mess and looking back, I'm surprised that I didn't lose my radio job sooner. When I got home around midnight, the drinking and showers would start again until I passed out. When I got up in the morning, I did it all over again. That was my ritual.

When my brother did it, he hung himself in the shower. I decided that if I did it, I was going to do the same. I even knew which belt I was going to tie around the showerhead. It was almost an obsession. I just couldn't imagine my life without XW. Not sure if I ever really mentioned it here, but ending it all consumed me. My mom was scared to death that I would do it. She never really came out and said it, but I could tell. I knew. She MADE me go to her doctor. He wanted to hospitalize me right then and there because my blood pressure was so high, but I refused. He put me on medication....meds for blood pressure and meds for depression. It helped take the edge off.

One day out of the blue I started to remember how my brother's suicide affected his kids. (It really messed the older one up.) Then I remembered how it just about killed my mom. Really. Then I told myself that I didn't want to put my kids through that and I didn't want my mom to have two kids kill themselves. I think a second one would have killed her. Then I started to realize that nobody (not even XW) was worth it. But....

It took a long time...a very long time...probably longer than it should have. It slowly got to where I was taking fewer showers and thinking less about it. Then it eventually got where I began to turn the light on again while showering. (Don't really know why I had to sit in the dark, but it is what I did.) It didn't happen overnight and there were times even probably as recent as a year ago that I still thought about it from time to time. The difference was that the desire or "passion" to do it slowly faded. It was a long road though. And now, I think I do "understand" how a person can be that low. Even now, I still have some bad days and some really bad days and sometimes I am still really, really sad when I think about losing my furbabies, but I survive the day and hope for a better tomorrow. There are still times when I am sad that I wonder if the sadness will ever really go away for good. I still sometimes feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest. This time of year is the worst, but.....I'm still here. Am I out of the woods? No, but I can see the meadow through the trees."

You'll make it Matt. You WILL make it.

Tad

[Lifes Twists]

I don't mean to sound trite or harsh Matt,

We can all list things. I can list attempted suicide twice, double lung transplant, loss of job, etc all since April this year. I have to be strong for my daughters. I could choose to just give up under the weight I am dealing with. I have chosen to look at things in a glass half full way rather than a glass half empty. I have chosen to not let anything she does affect me. I am happy each day that I can stand upright. I hope you will find it within yourself to let some of the stuff she does go.

[Mach1]

I guess the bottom line with everything that you have going on would be...

What lesson are you supposed to be learning from all of this ??

What can you turn into something positive, from the ashes of this mess ??

I have been through very similar circumstances, and have often thought "what the F else can go wrong?"

I spent a LOT of time waiting for the other shoe to drop on me, and I can tell you, it isn't any kind of way to live...

And then I realized, that I had spent almost my entire life, trying to control every little thing around me, and the Universe was teaching me, to only concern myself with the things that I COULD control.

And that, was how I responded to adversity.

How I responded, became way more important, than what I felt was happening to me. And I started thinking that, instead of it happening TO me, it was happening FOR me, to guide me towards what the Universe wanted to teach me....

[Jack_Three_Beans]

It is through tribulation that our character defined and set, not ease.