LT, Every time I take a step forward, some new horror arrives at my doorstep. Every time I make progress, however slight, a new set back shows up. I live in fear of the smallest thing such as my car breaking down as it would be impossible for me to get it fixed. I need the funds to get help with my IRS problem but I don't have it and I'm out of time. I need to work towards making money at my work and I find out the person in charge of the co. funds hasn't been paying the rent so we have to vacate the offices. My cell phone stops working and my lawyer tries to drop me because he can't reach me so I need to spend the day in court. I find a job that looks promising but I need to pass courses. Courses that I need to pay for before getting reimbursed and that means money I don't have. I have had to beg and borrow and even if I succeed, I will start so far in debt it will take years to get out. The series of events that started when the co I worked for for 10 years closed would have been hard enough under normal circumstances. Add in my W and her MLC antics and it just is too damn much. I get that there is nothing "fair" in the world, that sh!t happens. But at the same time, it's when things like this happen that you are supposed to be able to count on family. Instead, my W decides to destroy that family, throw it away like it was nothing. Oh, it was great when she needed us. She counted on me and that family when it suited her. Talked about how important it was for family to always be there for each other. As soon as it wasn't to her advantage anymore, as soon as it was her turn to step up, family became meaningless.
People lose jobs unexpectedly every day, it happens. It's stressful and you do the work and you move on. People start businesses all the time that they work hard on and they don't make it. You take your losses, learn your lessons and again, move on. People have IRS problems often. They do the work, take the time needed to get all the info together that is needed and you mount a defense. People learn new things all the time to help better their careers. They take the time when they can, learn what they need, take the exams, move on. M's end all the time. You have problems, try to work them out, if it works, great, if not, you end things.
Any of theses things alone are stressful events. Hard but you work through them and move forward. All of them together while at the same time dealing with an irrational person who is trying their best it seems to make your life harder is he!!. Add the fact that there is no money but you have to feed and take care of your child, get her to a school 30 miles away and home half the time. Trying to do all these things all at the same time while dealing with a S that actually thinks her life is hard and is actually trying to undermine you and it becomes like climbing a mountain with no gear...every time you take a step up, you slide 2 steps down.
If I was only dealing with my D it wouldn't be fun but it would be doable. But when you add all the other things and it gets like you are weighed down and there isn't enough air. Cancer is a mindless disease. You didn't spend 25 years building a R with it and it unexpectedly turns on you. It doesn't take your kids away from the only life they have ever known. It doesn't come into your home and take things that you have worked all your life for like a thief while justifying it's actions by spewing hatefulness and rewriting history.
Don't get me wrong, I understand what you are saying. I have the choice to keep trying, keep moving forward or give up. I get that. You are right about the wallowing as well. It just seems so useless sometimes. Why keep going when it seems that the universe it's self is against you. Why keep trying when it's only a matter of time before the next thing comes calling. The fact that I'm facing these things alone also doesn't help. While there may be no definition of "fair" in the world, there is justice. I firmly believe in the concept of justice. It just doesn't seem like it really exists in my world any longer. So, what is left? What do I have to look forward to even if I make it through this and do well at the job? Years of crushing debt. Years of dealing with my stbxw because of my D15 tying us. Years of not being able to do what I want with my D without her say so. Running her to and from a school far away. Who gets her on what holiday. Basically starting over from scratch but this time thousands of $'s in the hole!
This is what I have to look forward to? Is it really worth it? I guess in the end it has to be better than just giving up. But man, at times the idea of just stopping and saying "Enough!" is so appealing! Some nights, all alone in the quiet it's easy to start thinking "Well, I've had enough of this", if you know what I mean. The only thing I have left at times is the knowledge that my D's need me. That is what I'm feeling the last few days. Not fun, not useful but it is how I'm feeling. I suppose I could be worse off. I could be homeless and have no way at all to get out of this he!! I find myself in. I can keep telling myself that.
You are right about the lemonade, LT. It just seems like there may be so much in the end I may just drown in it! Thank you for the 2x4. I will keep going still I just have to dig deeper and deeper all the time to find that reserve of hope and energy.
