I thought everything was okay...(Part 2)

[MCS]

Mozza,

I hate to say it but I still can't peg any one or even a couple things onto how our M fell into this. I truly thought that everything was okay and actually that this was one of the better years in our marriage. We traveled a lot, had more family focus, more spontaneity in what we did, etc.

I know a good part of my W's past before me and she does have a lot of stuff that never fully got resolved with IC over the years. I wonder if there was PPD after our daughter was born which brought some of this back into light. But that's her and not the question about me.

I'm a pretty introspective guy and look at my own faults a lot even prior to this and I know that I have issues to address, but the sum of those parts doesn't equal the whole.

I've had a couple theories, but they've all been shot down by the vets. That's one of the reasons I high-jacked your thread, because of what 25years said about multiple A. It could be that it is that all of these things affected it, but I'm still not sure. Especially how she's acting right now with interactions. One of the other things is that in my sitch, this OM had been going on for quite some time; so I think a piece of it is guilt. I don't think she's told me everything and is fearful to my reaction if I found out. I paved the path smoothly on this already when I confronted about OM, but I think there's more she's not saying.

Here's the things for me that I know contributed and I need to change:

1) I was complacent in focusing on our marriage and us as a couple
2) When the kids were born, I saw my role as a dad first, husband second. I treated her that way too, mom first
3) I focused too much satisfaction on my work life
4) Her and I struggled with boundaries when it came to time with or away from the family
5) I was too quick to solve her problems instead of just listen
6)I didn't validate or react with enough changes when she told me she felt overwhelmed
7) I never reacted to changes in our communication method after we had kids. (I voiced my feelings, I thought she did too)

IDK, I don't want to sound like I'm trying to scapegoat. But I really don't know exactly the combination of things that did this.