a young marriage in trouble

[Vanilla]

Ins

Well done for putting S first. Who says you can't GAL with S?

What a wonderful way to GAL with a little one at Xmas. Find a single parents group and I will bet there are tons of activities on offer for very little $$$$. You and the little one will have a fantastic time.

You asked about anger. Anger usually comes from rejection and fear and often we are afraid of our anger. Unless you are using anger as a form of punishing yourself then it's part of the process. For me, until I decided that my anger wasn't going to help me then I couldn't let go. Letting go does not mean forgiveness or forgetting, but it helps in losing resentment. I was both afraid of being angry and afraid of not being angry. Both made me feel like I was still connected to H, I was attached. So I learned to detach and observe what made me angry.

Letting go of anger didn't feel very good, it made me worried and sick to start with as this meant my image of H had to go. I ceased to put H as the focus of my life and I felt lost.

In some ways I felt ashamed because H had rejected me. In an odd way I had given H more power in the S because he had done the BD. By taking back control I managed to leave the anger but I have neither forgiven nor forgotten. The resentment has gone and I find H and his flailing very amusing and childish instead.

So how did I work with my anger? I had IC and talked through strategies.

And then a big dose of STFU, because if I let loose I got spew and vitriol in return which cycled the anger. The odd thing is the more I STFU, the stronger I got and the less I apportioned blame. The greatest beat up was of myself. Now I say to myself about H behaviour "what an arse" and "your loss mate" and " grow up". I just grin when I think it, go away put on some music, and imagine H as a big cartoon baby. I look at the behaviour and not the person and know this is a phase. I think how awful H must feel inside to behave that way and I emphatically would not want to he him at those times.

So my strategy is STFU and using Sandi guidelines.

I do not stir the pot, pea in the soup or drop dung on my doorstep. I leave it alone and STFU.

W is pressing buttons over S to keep you in line. Ok you are a student, so what, you are a dad providing a loving home. I can't tell your time zone or location and that would be useful information for posters here who may have experience of your jurisdiction.

No letters, apologies, or chasing of W, you don't need to do that Ins. Your actions with S are enough. mozza and calibre strategy is the best one. L is important.
Enjoy being with your S and go do some GAL with him.

Proud of you
Vanilla