Separated about a month, now what?

[Zelda09]

Hi everyone, I am welcoming all help and advice if you have patience to read through this.

My H suffered a bad accident a few years ago while we were engaged. He's been on paid meds, through several surgeries. Even before that, our relationship was somewhat unstable, but I mostly attributed that to his quickness to going into a defensive-aggressive stance when I brought something to him I wanted to talk about. I think all his life he's complained about feeling 'pushed over' by other people, not just me.

And I was one heck of a talker. Had something to say about everything, even his thoughts and feelings. He told me for years I wasn't listening but I got tired and frustrated with hearing it...and told him I didn't want to be his counselor this past year, tried to point out that sometimes I had feelings and it wasn't all about him. I think deep down I just wanted him to be well adjusted (even before the accident, but we love who we love) and happy, and I was more interested in trying to get him thinking in ways I found acceptable than accepting him in all of his dark places. He didn't end up well adjusted at all, I think I contributed significantly to a sense of isolation and loneliness, and of course, depression.

This last year started going downhill badly, just about a year of marriage. He blocked my phone calls whilst pretending everything was fine between us, rationalizing it as it just being better for him. He would say things like that a lot, he didn't want to battle me. When I found out, I was angry for weeks. I mean, how do you do that? Just block your spouse bc you don't feel like dealing with them? We stopped talking about things, trying to meet in the middle. I just had enough of trying to bear the financial burdens and emotional heaviness of him, always telling me I didn't care about him, and I went all tough love and cold, trying to get him to find some independence for my sanity. He lost trust for me, feeling like I was disappointed and didn't respect him, and would yell things like, "you don't have my best interests in mind." My life changed forever when he had his accident, and I did everything I could to be there for him. Well, everything I could provide - I didn't listen and that's what he wanted most. But it hurt me and made me angry to hear these things. He was seeing a counselor but I'm not sure what good it's done. I wanted a family and in October we had a huge fight over it.

Our last argument was the way he was cussing at people, and I attacked him for it, he got mad that I couldn't see his side (I could, but was so embarrassed at the way he handled it), and he continued cooking for us but would sleep in the guest room. This lasted about two weeks. I'd ask for a hug, if he wanted to let our relationship slide downhill like this, he'd deny affection and say he didn't know what else to do. The last straw was one morning when he flipped me off while we were talking and I lost it, told him to find somewhere else to live. That afternoon, I kept hearing something he said about 'what would it look like to you if I found someone who cared about me and my problems' and I checked the phone bill. Most days I was at work he was texting an old female friend of his, he'd never even mentioned to me. He promised there was nothing sexual or anything else, but it felt like all the signs of an EA. He said there was nothing deceitful about it...anyway, that's stopped, the old friend decided she didn't want to be involved in this.

We had a counseling session a week later and the C heard each of us out and advised we separate when neither of us could say what we wanted. I had said I couldn't take more months of this. He said he was out of hope. He just didn't know. She prescribed two dates a week and a couple of assignments which we've done and we've been a total of 3x.

And it's felt like good productive work, like we're starting to connect. I have to get a hold of a lot, criticism, judgement, dumping my angry feelings on him instead of processing...he's found areas to work on, too, independence, assertiveness, self esteem, patience.

Some days he has stayed home and we both find reasons to spend time or go out. Some weeks he's been away. There's an interesting push pull dynamic, and when I look at when he withdraws again it seems it's out of his own warming feelings as much as me trying to get answers from him he doesn't have. In the last four weeks his walls have started coming down and he's listening and interested in my point of view, but is still saying there is no hope here and he doesn't know how we can work this out. He just wants to be left alone.

He's gone for the next six weeks now. It was a planned trip away, and we'd had a really good couple of days prior. Some of his anger and resentment for me is fading but my gut says that he doesn't know how to end this and that is what he resolved to do. He's never been one to initiate or act decisively if he isn't pressed, so although time is on my side, I feel like this could drag forever like this. He did express sadness that our date nights wouldn't continue when he left. And he's declined to call in for his counseling sessions while he's away.

I am trying my hardest to respect that he wants this time and silence, and focus in on me, GAL, the whole thing. I want to reach out to him sometimes, especially since his biggest complaint was that I couldn't meet his ENs, and I genuinely see it now, how I retreated. I don't want to push him further away during this time. The whole issue was I was always pushing my agenda, thoughts, etc and not open to his. I guess the hardest part is trusting that things might be mending with time alone, and that I'm not losing him through six weeks of this distance he's asked for while he figures himself out. He started taking anti-depressants a couple of weeks ago, too.

I know that if he is willing to work on our marriage, and have faith and some hope in life in general, work on the things he identified at our last session, we can do this. I am committed to becoming kinder and more open about a lot of things and removing my need to be heard as right in every conversation. He says the amount of change we need from each other is something that would take years. It's overwhelming to him.

So. What can I do in the next six weeks to show him the changes I'm working on, but without pursuing him about the relationship? I found a picture I wanted to text him, simple quote, "faith - it does not make things easy in makes them possible." Haven't sent it, no one gets themselves in trouble by saying nothing, right?

Outside perspectives appreciated. Very lost and confused right now.