still holding on - 5

[u-turn]

Thanks - I know that Paul

This is how the conv. will go with my kids

Kids: where's mom?
Me: she's at a christmas party
Kids: oh, again? - (sad face)
Me: yep
4 hours later Kids: when's mom coming home
Me: I don't know (lie #1)
....or
Me: she's not - she didn't tell you?
kids: no - why not?
Me: You'll have to ask her
....or
Me: let's play a game (I'll fight back the urge to tell the kids what is really happening)

They will be monitoring me at this point - I will need to hide my feelings.

I am a little ramped up today (and reading other's threads). I feel like moving on because she is not interested in fixing this.

I don't know what has happened to my PMA - I really thought I was going to be ok.

I see Rzrbcks situation and feel like I am near the same place. I am considering sending a message:

W-I know what is going on. I am only interested in a transparent, monogamous relationship with you and I know right now this is not happening. This is a decision you have to make though I understand that you do not want to make it. This is non-negotiable for me and I cannot believe that you don't understand this. Anything else is disrespectful to all of us including yourself.

I am done feeling like this.

She's asked me what's wrong, she's asked me why I still have nightmares - she should know.

I've stated my boundaries before which only made her hide things more. I have no intel any more. She does not care to work anything out - just hide and deceive.