I thought everything was okay...(Part 2)

[Mozza]

Interesting. I would have phrased #4 differently because to me the answer (why no work?) is obviously OM. The question, at least in my M, is why was my W vulnerable to OM? I blame some of her upbringing and perspective on love, but mostly I know that I left the door wide open for an OM. She told me multiple times that she wasn't happy in our couple and I was way too slow in addressing her concerns, just having heart-to-heart discussions, reducing the criticisms, etc. Well, you know my sitch.

I find it more healing when I think of what I've done wrong to get me here. It gives me back some control. Also, no healthy reconciliation talks will start with you (us) laying thick on them about falling for an illusion, betraying their W vows, etc. This will come much later, ideally from them. Our opening lines will have to be about our faults, about what we've understood.

If you look at Card29's thread, there's a great conversation with his W about the impact of his porn addiction on his M. It opens plenty of floodgates, even though it starts with W laying it thick on him for his failings. I've been following your sitch for a while and I'm yet to really understand what you did to get here. Everything you shared seemed pretty tame, especially compared with what your W is saying and how she's acting. Sure, she's in the fog, but is she really making it all up? Remember that things look very different to the aggressor and victim. The treat and harm are way worst on the receiving end.

Quick anecdote: In 2009, the day after my W lifted her threat to leave me, I told her she'd have to regain my trust that she wouldn't do it again (ha-ha-ha). Her reaction was more or less: "Come on, aren't you being a bit dramatic?" She had no idea of what I had gone through, while it was the greatest pain of my life.

Perhaps you're an unlucky great guy. Everyone around me is stunned that my W left me. Apparently, I'm hot chit and I didn't know it (or my friends are family are just nice to me). But I know how I failed her and I wasn't that hot as a H. So I would rephrase Q4 to focus it on your shortcomings, regardless of OM and A.