Maybell XXV: Moving Toward the Lighthouse

[labug]

No, I'm definitely not doing it for my H. Anymore. (How sad is that, that I was for so long?)

I had a lightbulb moment earlier tonight.

He can't make me happy. I have to find it for myself. In myself.

Ergo...

I can't make him happy either.

So when he said he was leaving because he wasn't happy, that wasn't because of all my flaws. He could have changed gears at any time and I would have supported him. That's been the history of our entire marriage. But he decided to make it my problem. Which it's not.

That's not to say I don't have flaws. But my flaws can't make someone run all by themselves. He ran because of HIS flaws.

Betsey said earlier about the way constant criticism warps us. The week my H decided to leave, I went with the kids to go stay with my parents, who spent three days telling me how difficult and emotional I am (the week my husband announced he was leaving me!!) and told me it was my fault he was leaving because I'm too hard to live with.

Inadequacy has been a pretty constant theme of my life and I think what I've realized is we're ALL inadequate. Because all this happened in a community where I was a complete stranger, I've had to accept a lot of help from people who had no other reason to offer it than kindness. That has taught me a lot. Everybody poops, and everybody's poop stinks. As soon as you can get your head around that, it's kind of hard to not be happy. At least for me. I know and love a couple that has REAL struggles in their marriage... But there is a lot about it that I envy, too. So, why not be happy? My marriage has fallen to shreds, but my future is still very good, a lot about my past is good, and I enjoy some tremendous blessings today too. (One of those blessings is my St. John's Wort...)

So, even before I started cleaning up my act, my H's running away was still more about him than about me. When I went to visit my old church a few weeks ago, my pastor noticed me in the congregation and repeated a line from her sermon, twice, looking me in the eyes and pausing till I nodded... "I am enough."

I am.

I LOVE this so much.

I'm standing and cheering right now.Seriously, in my bath robe.

I am so happy for you. In the future when you feel doubt creeping in (and you will) go back to this.

Let this remain your truth.