Life 2.0 Part 2

[NH115]

Minefield ahead that I just remembered.

OM is coming back into town next month. I know when because I know who he's meeting with at my company. I'm going to have things to do planned for us in the evening that week (W doesn't know I know), but it's inevitable that they will see each other during the day and talk. I don't see a reasonable way to prevent this.

I'm planning to discuss this with Chuck at my next coaching session but I'd like some perspectives here.

[Calibri]

Sticky situation, especially if he keeps coming into town for business.

Never thought about that aspect of it.

Hmmmm....be very interesting to see what the vets say.

[Starsky309]

Sounds like you're going to need to have that no-contact and transparency talk with your wife soon.

Starsky

[NH115]

I'm dying here. She had an R talk and started out sane until the bottom dropped out. She has had no contact with OM for 7 days; my intel backs that up. Last night she told me she wants to have dinner with him when he's in town next month (in about 30 days) to "talk", says she needs to figure out why her connection to him is so strong. It's part of her journey to clarity. Mind you, this is the fine example of manhood that told her a few days ago that he wanted to stay married to his wife and keep my W "on the side" when he came into town every couple of months.

I didn't lose my temper, but just barely. When I told her "over my dead body" she screamed that I was "bullying" her. That I was acting like my dad (she knows that's a button for me) Of course, every time I challenge her, she blames me for putting her in this emotionally vulnerable place.

I know she's still in withdrawal, but how much of this insanity am I supposed to take?

[Starsky309]

Well you certainly don't have to take THAT. Crying, depression, spew (so long as its not rude or disrespectful), fear, weakness, anger -- all of that, YES.

But CONTACT? With her IM? Without you present, and to discuss their "CONNECTION?"

Um, NO.

Put on your best, non-"Dad" like voice and calmly lay out your short list of deal breakers to her. Do this ONCE. Tell her you COMPLETELY understand if she doesn't want to to this, but that they're non-negotiable for YOU and she does need to let you know. That FEELINGS make take many months to return, and that you'll be patient in that regard, but a transparent, monogamous marriage is a DECISION that she has to make.

And if it were me, I'd give her one hour to make it.

She's testing you. THE test. You can't control how she will respond if you do the above, but if you don't, I can almost guarantee that you'll lose.


Starsky

[Mozza]

Last night she told me she wants to have dinner with him when he's in town next month (in about 30 days) to "talk", says she needs to figure out why her connection to him is so strong. (...) I didn't lose my temper, but just barely. When I told her "over my dead body" she screamed that I was "bullying" her.

You're battling an addiction with her. I've read it around here and I saw it with my W. Her attitude would be that of a junkie looking for drugs whenever I'd get between her and OM (I didn't know at the time). The focus is amazing. The drug is dopamine, the highest hit for the brain. You'll need something really strong to battle it and it's not going to be pretty. Starsky's advice is probably the best you'll find around here. Good luck, you're in for a ride.

[NH115]

Well you certainly don't have to take THAT. Crying, depression, spew (so long as its not rude or disrespectful), fear, weakness, anger -- all of that, YES.

But CONTACT? With her IM? Without you present, and to discuss their "CONNECTION?"

Um, NO.

Put on your best, non-"Dad" like voice and calmly lay out your short list of deal breakers to her. Do this ONCE. Tell her you COMPLETELY understand if she doesn't want to to this, but that they're non-negotiable for YOU and she does need to let you know. That FEELINGS make take many months to return, and that you'll be patient in that regard, but a transparent, monogamous marriage is a DECISION that she has to make.

And if it were me, I'd give her one hour to make it.

She's testing you. THE test. You can't control how she will respond if you do the above, but if you don't, I can almost guarantee that you'll lose.


Starsky

Yep, it's time. I'm pulling back already - way back.

I'm going to give my girls one last peaceful Christmas (why did this have to happen around the holidays?) and then lay my cards on the table. This cannot stand. I fully expect I'll be hunting for apartments the next day, but so be it.

I am so ready to jump in with both feet into healing our marriage, but she's got to be there too. She says she wants to work on our marriage, but her actions say otherwise.

She castigates me for being spineless with my parents and then expects me to be spineless with her.

And to think I was looking forward to putting 'piecing' in my signature. I can't compete with heroin.

[sandi2]

It is the addition that is pulling her. That is why she feels a strong "connection". Her seeing him is bound to trigger her emotions. Having dinner with him so they can talk should be a hard boundary, IMO. Nothing good will come from her talking with him, and she will have to go through all of this same stuff . She needs to make the decision now if she is in this M or not. It needs to be a decision based on the right thing to do, and not her feelings. Her feelings can't be trusted right now. She is too confused. Every time she bumps into him, those old feelings will rush back, until she is fully withdrawn from the A addiction.

In all the talks the two of you have had, has the subject of PEAs come up?

You should have already had the no contact letter sent and the transparency plan set. Now, she is going to be ticked and really think you are only trying to control her like a parent.

You need to decide if it will be a deal breaker if she does meet with OM. Frankly, I am very concerned that she will, especially if she's mad at you.

Yep, it's time. I'm pulling back already - way back.

This is going to require more than you just pulling back.

[Starsky309]

Rzr, if you pass this test, I am still hopeful for you. My wife did a lot of this same stuff (wanted to go see OM for "closure"), and we had a LOT of fits and starts. It's not over by a long shot.

But make no mistake, she IS testing you.

[NH115]

Unfortunately I screwed that one up. She did go NC with OM, and by everything I can tell, she has, but we haven't done the letter. I was going to give her a couple of weeks to come down a bit from withdrawal before broaching that subject. It's only been 7 days.

No, we haven't talked about PEAS. I'll research and bring that up with her.

I believe it is a dealbreaker for her to meet with him, for the exact reasons you outlined. She will go through a few weeks of healing from the addiction and then proceed to destroy all that progress in one night. I can't do anything about her seeing him at work, unfortunately, but dinner is out.

She will be furious with me, no doubt. If she decides she's in this marriage completely, then I will stand by her side and work on healing our marriage full bore. If she can't see enough past her dopamine high to make that decision, then our separation is probably imminent.

She's already made it clear to me that she will do what she wants, regardless. Maybe separation will help her see what she's really doing to her family. Unfortunately the likely scenario is that she'll meet with OM and will end up in his bed. The sad part is that she'll feel perfectly justified in doing it because we'll then be separated and she blames me for putting her in this vulnerable emotional position to begin with.