Little but FIERCE (Little's Thread #4)

[Little]

So much for feeling peace.

I just got a text from my mother telling me we're doing Christmas on Christmas eve this year; dinner is at 6pm.

Well, that [censored] for me because I have an MRI on Christmas Eve. Why did I schedule it that way? Because I have to work at the hospital on Christmas Eve, and figured I'd just hop to radiology after work. Christmas is usually ON CHRISTMAS.

I'm annoyed, but understand she didn't know this prior to making this choice. I will give her the benefit of the doubt that she had the best of intentions.

It will probably work out for the best, because my temporary living situation is with my family and my grandmother -- and they have been super touchy and critical of my ever action. Grandma's holding a grudge up to and including giving me the silent treatment, for offenses that add up to basic, pedantic nitpicking. My mother, too, has been super critical.

I'm confident I've been as quiet and respectful a housemate as can be expected in this temporary situation (very cognizant of moving slowly and quietly when others are sleeping, trying my best to keep to my room as much as possible so as not to be an extra burden to anyone, paying my share of responsibilities in full and on time, purchasing my own food and keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean), so I really feel like this is unfair and unwarranted.

The only contact I've had with my mother recently has been in passing and usually the only verbalizing she's done to me is to tell me what I've done wrong.

Given the stress I've been through lately, and losing a 10 year relationship -- which already affects the ego in terms of one's self worth -- I'm feeling pretty abandoned and unloved lately. This is a big thing for me, because I've had a lot of loss in my life. My co-dependency and a lot of my issues in Rs stems from this. It's the BIG THING I'm working on in IC.

So, I'm excited to move next week and trying to push this out of my head and not internalize it. I am worthy of love based upon no condition other than being myself. Kindness and affection should not be contingent upon whether or not a broken screen door catches in the wind accidentally, or if the bathmat is "correctly" draped over the side of the tub to dry.

Deep breaths. Deeeeppppp breaths.