Well you certainly don't have to take THAT. Crying, depression, spew (so long as its not rude or disrespectful), fear, weakness, anger -- all of that, YES.
But CONTACT? With her IM? Without you present, and to discuss their "CONNECTION?"
Um, NO.
Put on your best, non-"Dad" like voice and calmly lay out your short list of deal breakers to her. Do this ONCE. Tell her you COMPLETELY understand if she doesn't want to to this, but that they're non-negotiable for YOU and she does need to let you know. That FEELINGS make take many months to return, and that you'll be patient in that regard, but a transparent, monogamous marriage is a DECISION that she has to make.
And if it were me, I'd give her one hour to make it.
She's testing you. THE test. You can't control how she will respond if you do the above, but if you don't, I can almost guarantee that you'll lose.
