Shakspr #5: I fear and hope, I burn and freeze

[Shakspr]

Thank you all. It seems when I can put a name to my emotions (or identify the source) it settles me down a bit. Honestly, right now my low is simply manifest in nausea.

In no particular order, this is why I feel rotten:

Loss - the loss of my marriage is more "real" knowing how my XW is conducting her life away from me, and how/what she felt OK to speak to D22 about

Loss 2 - When I am hurting this bad, I want someone to talk to - a certain special someone. My wife. That's the part that feels like I am grieving a death

Lack of resolve - I am weak. I don't want to go through another legal fight and spend a bunch of money I don't have, yet again. However, if my children express a desire to live with me, I will do just that.

Disrespected - Doesn't need much explanation

Wasted my time - 15 of my best years, 28-43, were spent trying to create a home. It takes two to make that happen, and all my XW has been doing for the last 8 years is try to get everyone else to change, with mixed results. No wonder she felt unhappy here. This feeling is independent of the obvious love I have for the children that are the only remaining good result of our union

Loss 3 - Legacy. I wanted me and my wife to be the grandparents and great grandparents that kept everyone together, in good times and bad. To be the ones that family members talked about "Doing it the right way." Who could tell stories of love, loss, redemption and hope. That's gone - barring a miracle of biblical proportions.

Confusion - D22 has been pretty even-handed when discussing this stuff. But it's obvious, upon reflection, that I often got only one side of the story when she and XW were battling. I am aware that it is easy, now, to side with D22 - she's at least trying to be decent - but I certainly need to listen to her concerns about what may be happening with her siblings when I'm not around.

Unhappiness/more laziness - I'm quite tired of being the grown-up, the responsible one. Projecting an air of stability, trying to be the lighthouse.

And yeah, I fork over quite a bit of money in child support. I don't want to see that lining someone else's pocket/lifestyle even though the kids are with me over 40% of the time. I can almost predict the pattern. XW decides she wants to quit working and go back to school/homeschool/whatever (again). No problem - she's already bringing in good money via good choices in ex-husbands (XH #2 is still paying for SS15, remember.) New H says, just use the CS $$ to do that and I'll support us, no problem. Etc.

It's galling. I honestly don't care if I sound petty. I have had enough. And there's damn near nothing I can do about it except get it off my chest, accept the reality, and go back to doing the best I can for my kids and myself, whenever I can.

Ugh.