I strongly feel that getting to full transparency with your W is a must. Mostly for your sake. That was a deal breaker for me and I know that things would have never worked between W and I without it.
Its not the going through her stuff, its knowing that its open for me to look at if I wanted to. The trust factor is very important during this phase, without it I don't see you getting past this point. Where you are in this long fight right now was by far the hardest point for me when I was in your shoes. Its so easy to have those thoughts creep into your head causing you to act in a way that is harmful to getting where you need to be.
If she really is dedicated to giving your M a shot, full transparency should not be too much to ask. The way I see it, if she truly is remorseful, it should have been offered up by HER to help fix this.
