My waking nightmare

[Lorelai]

Feeling a little frustrated with my situation tonight. Called H today to talk about S3's preschool "report card" I received today that mentioned some behavioral issues and some concerns. My MIL was coming to pick him up to take him to a holiday movie, and I showed it to her. She said it could be related to the S and that she has been wanting to talk to H, but every time she brings it up to him he walks away from her (he moved from a friend's house in with her recently).

H never called me back. In fact, today was his day with the kids but he said since his mom was coming to do the movie with S3 he'd wait and just come on Saturday, which I said was fine, but we do have two kids and it's not like an almost 2-year-old is no work at all. I had a deadline today that I missed because D1.5 wouldn't nap, then when she finally went down I ended up falling asleep myself.

My MIL brought S3 back late just as D1.5 was about to go to bed for the night. I asked her if it was OK if I ran out really quick to grab some gift cards for S3's teachers and OK, this might put me on Santa's naughty list, but I also did some really fast grocery shopping while I was picking up the gift cards. Unless I take the kids with me, between work and childcare/school schedules/naps/activities/etc. I have no time to get shopping done. I used to go out after the kids were in bed when H was here but it's funny when you first have that moment when the kids are in bed and you realize you're the only adult living in the house and um, yeah, you can't go anywhere, not even to the store really fast! So yeah, I took advantage of the gift card excursion to get an extra errand done.

Of course, I paid for my trip in the form of S3 still being up waiting for me and D1.5 waking up and not being able to get back to sleep. Everyone's in bed now and I just polished off a brie and cranberry sandwich and a chocolate pudding parfait I got at the store and a glass of wine. Yay me.

Need to work on my goals, not necessarily relationship goals, that is so not happening right now! But my own personal goals. So much fear is holding me back, fears like:

If I get a full-time job in the new year will H move forward with the D b/c he'll see that I'm financially stable, have my own health insurance, etc. Is he just waiting for me to get on my feet?

More to post... off to bed though...