Can I ask what it is that I'm doing wrong? I read up on co-dependency and I do agree that I seem to fit the mold pretty perfectly. But I also feel like the situation in with my WAH is similar in certain aspects to other people on this sight and yet, I haven't seen anyone else labeled as co-dependent. So what is it exactly about my posts that gives this vibe/impression? I would like to better understand from an outsiders perspective.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Faith: I'm sorry if you felt like we were calling you out as co-dependent, and some how that has stuck with you.
I read some of the things you said about your H and your reaction to his criticisms and felt like I understood what where you were coming from because I've dealt with similar aspects in my sitch. I felt it might help you to read that book, because I found insight in it. That's all.
I know I'm co-dependent in terms of the reasoning why I think and feel some of the things I do. For instance, I tend to stay away from "genuinely nice" men because I find them boring and less attractive . Some where along the line, I picked up a learned behavior that love doesn't feel "true" or "worth it" unless there's conflict to work through. I don't know how or when I picked it up, but I did. I don't want to continue that going forward.
The term "co-dependent" doesn't make anyone less of a person, just helps identify why we behave in certain ways and how to think about changing our patterns.
Most importantly, for me, I feel like I love me and need to stop wondering what's wrong with me if someone else decides to be critical of certain aspects of me. Either I agree and whatever the complaint is is a trait I feel I need to work on ("I feel like what you said to me was unfair and I didn't deserve it; you do that often when you're upset"), or I don't agree and it's their problem, not mine ("You read too many books, you're a buzzkill").
I decide my worth; no one else.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I appreciate your response and do not feel called out, but I did definitely want to understand better. It is amazing that I have never realized my co-dependency until now. It looks like I have another goal to add to the list and that's breaking the toxic patterns.
One of the biggest problems in our R was my lack of self worth. I put my happiness completely in H's hands, which I see now is not only an impossible burdern to place on someone, but a guarantee for failure.
I have been doing well with NC and trying hard to lovingly detach. A few one 180's that I've been doing : - having a PMA. I was always a negative person - staying calm. Not raising my voice during arguments or getting upset - taking accountability. Admitting mistakes - exercising consistently - working around the house on tasks I wouldn't normally do - making dinner every night - changing up my look
What 180s have worked for you?
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
H came over this morning to spend time with S. He was cold, barely talked or looked at me the entire time. So what did I do? Dressed up, put a smile on my face and left the house to run errands and GAL! Negativity is draining, so i am removing myself. H can't freeze me out of this PMA
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
That's a great idea and I will definitely use it to try and improve myself.
I'm starting to see certain patterns where I would avoid conflict or act passive aggressively and I finally realize how damaging it was. It's amazing how a little outside perspective can help us see things we were so blind to for so long.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Yesterday was a pretty good day. H came over in the morning and was cold and distant. So I kept my PMA, GAL and went along with my day. By the time I got home from running errands the tension had eased up a bit and we were able to make small talk and even joke a bit.
H left to run errands and so did S and me. When we came home a few hours later H's car was there and he was asleep on our couch. I didn't expect him to just come back like that, but was okay with it being that he was in a good mood. S went outside to play so H and I drank a few beers and watched a movie. We made small talk throughout and joked some more, it felt good. I had dinner cooking in the slow cooker, and offered him some, which he accepted and said was really good. The night ended on a positive note, with everyone happy.
I am still really struggling as the last time we had a conversation about us, he opened up about being on the fence with our M. When I suggested scheduling a counseling appointment he said it might be a good idea but wanted me to hold off so he could "think about some things". That was last Sunday. I am not going to question him or bring it up or initiate and R talks but man, it is so hard just letting things like that linger. I guess time is on my side at this point. I'm just worried he is waiting for the holidays to be over before he serves me or tells me anymore bad news.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Yesterday H picked up S from school and took him rock climbing. This is something H is wanting to make a regular thing with S and I fully encouraged it.
Seeing the afternoon off as an opportunity to have a little "me" time, I went out for a run with the dog. H called (he almost always texts) and asked what I was doing. I said I was on a run (Made me feel good and productive). H asked if I had any dinner plans and I said no plans, but that I had stuff to cook at home. He said he and S would meet me at the house and I agreed.
They came home and I made sure to be in a good mood. H was light and happy which was nice, and S seemed to really enjoy rock climbing. I made dinner and the 3 of us hung out, laughed a lot and joked around. H was drinking some beer that we had in the fridge and this helped to loosen up any tension.
After dinner we all turned on a movie and gathered around the TV to watch it. H and S were sitting together on the couch and I sat down in a brown chair on the other side of the table. H then told me to come sit on the couch, that I'm allowed to sit on my own couch. This made me feel good so I got up and moved to the couch. H kept commenting on how he had never seen the movie and how great it was. Then, he and S started to lay together to which he then looked at S and said "Mom needs loves too". H invited me to come lay with them, S in between us. I tried to say there wasn't enough room, but after H and S kept telling me there was, I laid down. After S kept wiggling and he said he needed to get up. H then said, you don't have to move, mom has to move. This stung a little bc H was basically saying he didn't want to lay next to me without S in between.
Later in the night H said he loved S so much and needed to spend the night. After we put S to bed, H laid on the couch and watched a movie while I went to go call a friend of mine in the bedroom. I talked to her for 30 minutes and then hung up. I went to get a cup of water in the kitchen and commented on the movie H was watching while there. He made some small talk and then told me I could come sit down and watch with him. I said I didn't want to bother him and he said, he wasn't bothered at all. I sat and watched with him for a few minutes before he fell asleep.
It's always hard when he sleeps over and I have to go to the bedroom and lay in an empty bed knowing he's just a few feet away. I wonder if he feels the same.
I got up early this morning and did some things around the house before getting S ready for school. H commented on how strange it was to see me so motivated so early in the morning. I tried to shrug it off but felt awesome that he noticed :-)
H called this morning to tell me he was called into work and that our neighbors had called about an issue with our dog. Normally he texts me so getting a phone call was a nice change. I kept things light and short. Trying so hard to keep that PMA and detach, detach, detach. It's a challenge, but so far I think I'm doing okay.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Having a rough night tonight. H has been pushing me to move out (he bought a house while we were together but before we were married) and after applying for a place that is on par with the rent around here, I was told by a realtor that I do not make enough money per month to qualify. This hit me pretty hard and sent me into a tailspin of emotion.
H moved out that day he dropped the bomb, and has been living with his dad. My S and I have been at the house. H has been paying the rent, which I am thankful for, but continues to insist that I find a place to live. When I let him know how hard it is for a single mom who makes little money, he told me not to give him my "pity" and to ask my parents for money. He also has made comments about how I am too lazy and not aggressive enough when it comes to looking for a place.
Yes, it is hard finding a place for financial reasons that I will feel safe in and be able to afford, but it is also hard for me to move out because I'm afraid this will be making it easier for him. I don't know what to do.
Staying at my parents isn't an option for emotional reasons. My mom and dad are both verbally abusive and undermine my parenting, which I fear could cause even more damage on my S and I during this already difficult time.
So what do I do? Move out? Find any place that will take me and leave? Tell H I've been having a hard time and risk him thinking I am dragging my feet? Move in with my parents and suffer emotionally?
I need help, DBers...
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
Woke up with the worst pain in my stomach. Haven't felt like this in so long. My mom is taking S out of town for the weekend and it's the first time I will be alone since this whole thing started.
Feeling so lost and confused. H has said on many times that a part of him wants to be home with us and a part of him doesn't. He's also said that he is "committed" to the path he is on and that he can't go back on all of this.
On good days I will remind myself of that, and the fact that he seems more committed to this "path" than he was to our marriage. Do I really want to be in a M like that? Where someone can so easily walk away to "find themselves"?
My WAH left so suddenly. I knew we had issues and the stress of planning our wedding was taking a huge toll. But is it also possible to have a MLC at only 25?
I've worked hard to make so many changes to myself for the better and feel like I've come a long way. But he has also said that my improvements just "reinforce that he's making the right decision". Does this make sense to anyone else? My IC and our MC said that statement is just crazy. Because if I was wallowing, doing worse, or let this destroy my life, then THAT would reinforce his decision. But positive changes and growth should make him think twice, at the very least.
Any advice, positive vibes, or words of wisdom would be so appreciated. I feel like I'm drowning in this today. And I want to give up and disappear so badly.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
This stung a little bc H was basically saying he didn't want to lay next to me without S in between.