a young marriage in trouble

[lnlyshp]

Well, conversation probably could not have gone worse. Called with full intention of taking him for tomorrow, just wanted to explain that I need more flexibility for the schedule in the future (ie - not fair to say "I already had plans, lonelyship, so you're out of luck" if I do her this favor). Managed to get pulled into an argument about it. First one in almost 3 weeks. I feel so awful for what I said. I said something to the effect of "If you don't want to take care of him, I will." I meant it as "if you can't take care of him for the next few days, I have no problem doing so," but realized as soon as I said it how it would come off and how it sounded. She got upset immediately and hung up.

Called back to explain myself. She was very angry, of course. I deserve that. She angrily told me that if I think that she doesn't want to take care of her son, that she will take me to court, win full custody and I won't ever see him again. Explained that she shouldn't punish son because she was mad at me, she said that I shouldn't push her to do so. That hurt so bad. I'm very scared now. I don't want to lose my son. I tried calming her down, explaining that I was sorry for saying what I did and that it did not come off as I meant it. She was still angry. The idea that she is not a good mom has always been something she was self-conscious about, and I feel horrible for making her think that was my image of her. I've never thought she was a bad mom. I think she is a good mom. I know how much she loves our son. Told her I didn't want to fight, that I didn't know what was going to happen in the future but that I wanted to have the best relationship possible with her for the sake of our baby.

She eventually started crying and explaining that she feels selfish for wanting to spend time with her friends. I tried to calm her down, but she was still very angry at me for having said what I did. I ended the conversation by telling her I was sorry for what I said, that it was not what I meant to say and that I was sorry that I hurt her feelings. I told her I thought she was a good mom and that I know how hard she works for him and how much she loves him. She was still mad, but mostly hurt.

Shouldn't have even picked up the stupid phone and called. Shouldn't have let myself get pulled into a fight. Shouldn't have said what I did and hurt her feelings.

I messed up. Not sure I can recover from that one.