Met WAW tonight at mall to bring 2.5 YO D to see Santa. Sadly and to my surprise, D got scared and was not into it. She's been into Santa first two years, so feel like should take her for another try, maybe by myself.
To the point, I feel great. Wife was either acting ("only believe 50% of what you see or hear") or was on the verge of crying for a lot of the hour we were together (told her I could only stay so long due to other obligations). While sitting together at the play area, D off on her own, WAW asks if there is anything I was to talk about (?). I respond, "I want to talk about anything you want to talk about"...and waited, waiting to listen.
She was on the verge of saying (what started out as) "how hard this has been", and seemed to fight back tears. I said nothing. I sat there and looked toward her and waited. I wanted so badly to put my hand on her shoulder and say "...honey talk to me". I did not. She stopped and after several long seconds, we switched gears when I went to help our daughter, and not fall off one of the play structures.
She also said, while we were walking to the play area, "...you look really thin. Are you eating?" (I have been and continue to work on myself, watching what I eat, getting on the treadmill, and moving, no booze). I simply replied "I feel great". I do, physically. My weight is where I want it for the endurance sports I do, and I am very happy about that.
When it was time to go, I gave D a hug and kiss, told her to be good for mama, (D has been amazing) and left. No attempt to hug, kiss, or tell WAW "I love you". WAW called me back b/c I had D's lovie animals in my pocket, I walked back, handed them to my daughter and had one last glance at what looked like a sad WAW. I turned, walked away in the other direction and didn't look back.
I feel great. I have self respect and my pride. My head was held high. I feel like I scored the winning touch down in overtime. No texting or calls today either. I fell great.
What is worth pointing out, that even though we are on the beginning or what should be a very long road, each day we are separated the notion of not being with WAW gets easier to embrace. It is getting clearer and cleared that I am in love with my precious wife from a year or so ago and the one I "have" now is a shell of what was once an amazing woman. She made the choices that put us here. Our marriage was disconnected but that does not make what she did okay.
Now I am happily sitting in the living room of one of my very best amigos and enjoying my time with his family. I love being here. Tomorrow is work and then meeting a friend for coffee (or something) after. Saturday, I get to see my little #1 2.5 amazing daughter.
My priorities are #1 daughter #2 me #3 work.
Thank you for all of the information I have found that has given me the guidance so far. I feel confident in how I am handling our situation, have stuck by the rules...and it makes be feel better.
