Angry WAH blames me for everything.......

[Calibri]

Why is it loaded?

Do you have a crystal ball? Are you qualified to diagnose your H? If not, let it all go. You don't need the anxiety of worrying about what ifs right now. You're borrowing trouble, complicating your life.

His mental health is his to deal with...and this is the hard part, or not.

It's a loaded questions for me, because I make it loaded. Having a dad with bipolar, and lots of family members with mental illness or depression - I see how destructive it is. I have this mindset that just because someone has problems, doesn't mean you give up on them. You help them, etc. It's a learned behavior from watching other family members interact with one another. But, I have a hang up about bipolar, just from having such a negative experience with it from my dad (who I learned to detach from years ago. Need to channel this). I didn't get to choose who my father was, but I did choose my spouse. And I don't know if I can live with someone who is bipolar - but that's neither here nor there, as you said. I doubt he is. And if he is, we can cross that bridge when we get to it.

It just makes me feel like a dick. Having hang ups about it.

So love him enough to give him what he wants right now.
His issues aren't your issues. When your mind starts revving up with "what he should do" stop that. Do you meditate or do yoga? Might be helpful. Focus on the things you can control, GAL, reading helpful things, exercise, funny movies, volunteer.

I'm trying. I need to do a better job. And you're right, his issues aren't my issues. He's starting to come out of the fog and starting to admit that alot of what he spewed at me when he left......wasn't true. He isn't ready to elaborate yet, but it's a small step and a (tiny) hopeful step that we might move in the right direction -- now that I'm not being blamed for EVERYTHING that's wrong in his life.

I don't like yoga. It irritates me because it doesn't go fast enough, and I can't relax and then I get irritated because I can't relax. Hi there control issues -- I'll own up to that right now. I've never tried meditation -- I don't know how to do it correctly, if that makes any sense?

Lovingly detach.

I realized the other day, that part of the reason I'm having trouble with detaching is I equate the detachment I have with my father (which is not loving at all, more business like) with the detachment I need to have with my H. Working on it.

The bolded sentence, you don't know that to be true, he's just not doing it on your timeline. Give him a chance.

Think of this, every time you interfere in his process, he has to go back to square one. He can blame you for interfering, so again he's focusing on you as the culprit. If you're not around, he doesn't have you as a scapegoat.

I wish I had seen this before today. We had it out. Cheese less tunnels = convos with my H right now. Today's convo probably set us back a few weeks. Hoooray. But you know what he said to me, "I know this is frustrating for you, and I'm sorry that I'm not as far along as you would like me to be." Point taken from both of you --- I'm STFU.

So stop shouldering the burden. Give it to who it truly belongs to. Face the reality of the situation.

I'm talking in terms of paying bills, taking care of the house, making sure our animals are taken care of. He's all "they're all animals, it's our house" when it comes to minor things. But when it comes time to figure out if there's an animal rooting around in the eves of the attic, or figuring out some behavioral issues with our animals, *crickets chirp*. I've had to shoulder the burden of taking care of everything in his absence. I can't put it back on him because he won't do it. But I get what you're saying.

I have to use these test question often, I learned them in AlAnon, "Whose problem is it?" and "Did anyone ask me for help?"

So I've learned that I'm a fixer. Regardless of if I want to or not. This is a learned behavior. I resent people for having to fix things, because 9 times out of 10, I'm feel people should be fixing their own problems. But, H has yet to ask me to fix anything right now. So, I'm going to stop trying to fix it. And stop resenting him because he's not willing to work on it. We both need to work on ourselves to even have an opportunity to "fix" our relationship.

Good points. Very good points.

None of us really want to be controlling, it's a mechanism we've learned to make our world seem safer. Why do you think you're controlling, where does that come from?

I know why I control things. It comes from my childhood. I've touched on it before, but I had a raw deal in my childhood. Along the way, the control is a defense mechanism to protect myself from being hurt - because I was hurt by so many people who should've protected me. I felt and do feel by controlling things in my life, that I can have a "say" in what happens to me, and I can prevent negative things from happening to me. (Life lesson learned -- you can't control anything but yourself.) I also have a fear that if H and I get divorced, that no one will love me. Because I'm a tough gal to love. I have crazy family members, I could go crazy too, I'm a smart ass, tough, stubborn, opinionated woman who wants what she wants. Add on to the fact that I don't like to cook. I don't view myself as a catch. Sure, I'll talk myself up, but deep down, I don't see how anyone else could love me, if my H couldn't/can't.

And that would be my issue. In a nut shell. I've challenged myself in my personal journal to come up with 10 things that I like about myself. One month in....I'm at two. That says ALOT. What, exactly, I'm still pondering. But it speaks volumes.

Yep!
Speaking your mind is one thing, being hypercritical and opinionated and calling it speaking your mind is another.I had the same problem. As I said, look those demons in the eye. Have no fear.

I am guilty, guilty, guilty of being hypercritical. That's something I'm actively working on. I identified that early on. I don't necessarily see being opinionated as a bad thing, but if my opinions are being used against someone, then I suppose that's where it can become problematic.

I do have fear. Fear in the sense that I don't want to be divorced. Fear in the sense that I don't want to lose my H. Fear that this won't work out and then what? I know, realistically, that getting a divorce isn't the end of my life. I know that I can do this without my H. I know that if we don't continue our lives together, that I had ten great years with him, with a lifetime of memories that I wouldn't trade for the world - and that will always stay with me. But I have fear, because I have something to lose. Does that make sense. I know I can't have fear, yet I seem to be paralyzed.

You can do this, you just have to decide to start.

I am. Today. As soon as I stop boohooing from writing my post.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I needed this and I hope that you'll continue to whack me upside the head when I need it. Which may be alot.