But I've had a change of heart and if it's important to her for me to see it, I'll go. It's part of my moving on process.
I'm so proud of you for getting here so quickly, rpp. This is so incredibly powerful, and it's just uplifting to see you defining who YOU are in this whole process. I'm a firm believer in what goes around, comes around. You will receive many times over for being this person.
There is something to be said (well, not enough said anyway) for accepting "what is". Whatever the situation, acceptance goes a long way toward detaching and creating a happy life. I'm not saying you have to like things, but acceptance is the very first step in creating the best "Plan B". Life is all about Plan B (or C or even Z, lol).
One of my friend's daughters is a year younger than my D20 and played volleyball with her. The family is delightful, and their D19 is the middle girl (of 3 girls) and was probably one of the most angry girls I've ever met. She was diagnosed at a young age with juvenile diabetes, and spent her entire childhood sabotaging herself because she didn't accept her diagnosis. Her mom spent most of the early childhood creating a lifestyle for the whole family that didn't exclude this kiddo, and she just wouldn't follow suit. Counseling, help from friends, nothing was working. Her mom was absolutely terrified of her going to college in Ohio (where she is).
Her senior year, she got really, really sick and wound up in the hospital. The doctor told her that she wouldn't be living long, and would start losing limbs and eyesight if she didn't change, and told her that it was her choice. I don't know if this was an epiphany or she just hit rock bottom, but she finally moved off the square extraordinarily quickly. She embraced a lifestyle of acceptance and decided to live with the disease rather than against it. And guess what? She is truly a happy kid now. I couldn't believe how different she was after she accepted "what is" and lived within the restraints of her blood sugar issues. She looks back now and wonders why she wasted so much time hating reality for the lousy draw of cards.
I can think of more than a handful of times where I fought "what is" as well. My teenage BF was an alcoholic, and I got some help when he asked me to go to his first AA meeting. The first step. It takes a lot of courage to do it.
You seem so much more at peace with the person you want to be. That giving heart you have is filled with love, so it holds no place for anger. Personally, rpp, I'm positive that you are one of the people here who are successes just because you are following your own path, by your design. Not living by default or by reacting to changes that others make. It's a blessing. It is also extremely emotionally healthy, BTW.
I think that many of us here (especially the moms) put a whole lot of importance on "things". Your D12's room at her dad is a place she will stay when she is with her dad. Nothing more, nothing less. It's no different if she showed you her camping tent. Yes, it represents that her parents are living apart. But that room isn't the cause.
BTW, I'm sorry it's taken me so long. I got back from my brother's funeral/burial Sunday night, and I've been feeling an emotional hangover since then. I haven't even really started my shopping. (I'm usually way done by now.) We've decided to make this a low key holiday and thank goodness, everyone feels the same way in my family. I was so spaced out that I even forgot to go get my D17 after school on Tuesday. I'm really glad my D20 is home - she's been really helpful. I hope you have a happy heart when they are all home with you this weekend!
Keep going, rpp. You're really cooking on gas right now.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
