Angry WAH blames me for everything.......

[labug]

Let's face reality and look at what you actually can control.

Loaded question -- I think. If he has bipolar, I don't know. Having lived with a bipolar parent, it's not a path that I'm sure I want to go down, which is hypocritical because I have just as equal of a chance of trigger bipolar. But that's what it is. But I don't think he's bipolar. The anger I can deal with, if the tools are there and he's willing to work on it.

Why is it loaded?

Do you have a crystal ball? Are you qualified to diagnose your H? If not, let it all go. You don't need the anxiety of worrying about what ifs right now. You're borrowing trouble, complicating your life.

His mental health is his to deal with...and this is the hard part, or not.

Yes, I love this man. Yes, I want what's best for him. But I would like for it to be with me. The frustrating thing is, right now, there are more issues in play than just me. There's issues from his childhood. There's issues from past employers. I'm the one getting the brunt of everything right now. I don't know when/if he would ever confront the issue with his parents. He can't confront issues with past employers, because well, he doesn't work for them. So, it's just me and our relationship that's under the microscope.
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So love him enough to give him what he wants right now.
His issues aren't your issues. When your mind starts revving up with "what he should do" stop that. Do you meditate or do yoga? Might be helpful. Focus on the things you can control, GAL, reading helpful things, exercise, funny movies, volunteer.

Lovingly detach.

[quote]No, it doesn't move me forward. It leaves me stuck going round and round asking why. Do I want to fix him, believe it or not, no. I would like for him to solve his problems. But it frustrates me to see plainly what he cannot. But like you said, let it go. It's his problem.

The bolded sentence, you don't know that to be true, he's just not doing it on your timeline. Give him a chance.

Think of this, every time you interfere in his process, he has to go back to square one. He can blame you for interfering, so again he's focusing on you as the culprit. If you're not around, he doesn't have you as a scapegoat.

No, the depression isn't at all a sweet deal, and that's not at all what I'm referencing, although I can see how it's inferred by the way I worded it. What I'm saying is that, he's not having to face responsibilities in life right now, because both his parents and I have shouldered the burden so that he doesn't have to. It's frustrating, that's all, being left behind to deal with it all, but it's the same for every left behind spouse, I imagine.

And I know I can't change or control his parents. I've known that for a LONG TIME. There's just alot of family dynamic there that contributes to this and it's.....frustrating. And hard.

So stop shouldering the burden. Give it to who it truly belongs to. Face the reality of the situation.

I have to use these test question often, I learned them in AlAnon, "Whose problem is it?" and "Did anyone ask me for help?"

Doing these little practices is how you learn to let go.

It's only frustrating as long as you remain enmeshed in it.

And, I have to admit, I'm having an issue with the control thing, although I realize that I have control tendencies. I never thought that I was controlling in our R, because it wasn't something that I was purposely doing. I never woke up and thought, "hey, I'm going to control H by doing this, that and the other." I'm having a really hard time accepting this and reflecting upon it. And trying to figure out how to change it.

None of us really want to be controlling, it's a mechanism we've learned to make our world seem safer. Why do you think you're controlling, where does that come from?

Use this time you have away from him to work on you. Sometimes we stay tied up in other people's problems to keep the focus off us. Let go of that and use this time as a gift to work on and heal you. Look your demons squarely in the eye, just like you'd wish your H to do.

I've always spoken my mind about things. It's a habit that's tough to break. That's why it's hard for me to bite my tongue. Unfortunately, there's only so many times I can get railed on before I get fed up with it. Which is probably something else I can work on.

Yep!
Speaking your mind is one thing, being hypercritical and opinionated and calling it speaking your mind is another.I had the same problem. As I said, look those demons in the eye. Have no fear.

You can do this, you just have to decide to start.