Its 3.5 hours old and gone really badly - big backslide this morning. I had to dump the kids at nursery and leave before i broke down into a blubbering heap in front of them. I now wont see them until sunday night and really i have no more quality time with them until the 27th December.
I didnt sleep well - kept having dreams about W and OM. I tried some of the mindfulness techniques which calmed me down but only for a little bit.
Anyway woke up this morning and i was just in a grump. I tried to not show it but.....
W was sat next to me on the bed and not talking (like every morning). I knew she was annoyed about the fact she has to work today and so i asked her about it. As we talked I said a bunch of stuff which included indirect criticism of OM1 and culminated in me saying something about the culture of her work place being really unhealthy with the way people mix work and personal relationships (70 staff, at least 1 marriage per year ended due to workplace affairs - I didnt say this bit)
Because i was in a grump everything i said was just laced with digs and barbs. Sure i dressed it up as part of the conversation but my W is smarter than that and so would have seen them for what they were. This is my passive aggressive nonsense coming out because i wasnt able to control my negative emotions and move to a more postive place
I topped this off with some under the breathe muttering.
we had a couple of other bits of conversation where my W fely i was overeacting when i didnt think i was, but given how the rest of the conversation went i would believe her
Last night I threw away and old mothers day card for her from the kids. Now i knew she would want to keep it but threw it away anyway and in the bin where i knew she would see i had thrown it away. she called me out on it and i said 'i'm sorry, i didnt think, i should have asked you'. But W and I both know its more of my nonsense.
we did finally manage to talk about the arrangements for christmas and new year, but I managed to lace this conversation with more barbs and insuation.
so not good, certainly not giving my W a positive impression. I just looked weak, manipulative and snarky - so not very attractive. certainly not when things with OM1 are going so well.
On reflection this pattern of behaviour has been fairly typical of me for the last 3 years and reminds me why the end of my marriage is not about OM1. It also shows how difficult the changes are for me and how it will be nearly impossible for my W to believe them. There is a bunch of pseudopsychological analysis of mine coming here.
The only thing I successfully validated this morning was her decision to leave
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
