I think I'm done

[mustardseed]

My last thread was in piecing. But that obviously was premature. I'll try to link it up a little later.

Things haven't changed much except that my emotions took over for a couple of weeks after hearing about how familiar he is with his "very good friend" and I spent a few weeks doing the opposite of detaching and DBing. In response he decided to wait until I was at my worst and then tell the kids that we are getting divorced.

This was right after Halloween. I spent that weekend trying to console the kids--he convinced me that I had to make amends with s because he overheard me saying some pretty mean things about his "very good friend" who is also someone they know very well and have to deal with on a daily basis. At the time my remorse for losing my cool and not realizing DS heard had me convinced I was to blame. But after owning my actions and talking to the kids about how I behaved badly and I said untrue things because I was angry and wanted to pick a fight, all of that blew over and I realized this was his way of turning the tables so that I was the bad guy--the crazy one. So when this marriage ends it doesn't have to all be on him. I think he has been waiting a long time for me to crack like that--all of those months of DBing must have been driving him crazy.

I'm not sure if he talked to the kids at all about our marriage since then. There is no exit plan in place. He hasn't done anything to move forward with a D or S. He is sunshine and roses around the kids, then mutters under his breath about how much he hates living here (as if they don't hear that). I decided he is insane and manipulative, and I'm not playing anymore. He can do whatever he wants to do. We spent Thanksgiving separate--he claims he did nothing, and I had the kids. He was supposed to have the kids, but convinced them that they would have more fun with me. Then he got all annoyed that we didn't leave right away and claimed he was having and "anxiety attack" and was going to go to his fathers (although he has no car and never spends time with his dad). It was his way of telling me to take the kids to my parents a day early. He even offered to drop us off--and I caved.

So he had the car until Saturday, then he took the kids to visit his family and I went to a friends house. And I think it was when I was there that I realized I am being a fool trying to make this marriage work.

He likes to pretend that he is this broken human being. Maybe he is, who knows, but that isn't my problem to fix. And tiptoeing around him, trying to protect his "fragile state" is insanity on my part and such a bad message for the kids. Who would stay in this situation? He is making a fool out of me. So Thanksgiving weekend the distance helped me snap out of my emotional whirlwind and I decided it is time to plan my exit.

The problem is that now that the kids know it complicates things. DD keeps hinting about not wanting to move. She caught me looking at zillow (something she likes to do with me for fun). I was looking for apartments, but when she saw that I was on I switched to houses for sale. At first she got excited and we played make-believe about what kind of house we want. But then after about 20 minutes she said, "But I don't want to move." That night I heard her crying in her room. Something she hasn't done since that first weekend after DH told them. I feel awful because now they are in this limbo that I have been in for the past 15 months. Knowing that their life is changing, but having no clue how or when or why.

It isn't fair. None of this is fair. It isn't fair to them to have to carry that burden of uncertainty. It isn't fair to me to know that he is completely done with me, but won't take any action. I just want him to move out, or file or something. I don't want to be the one to have to do it. I feel like he is purposefully setting things up so that I take the initiative to make it happen and then he can say that I was the one who did it.

He was the same way when he suggested the MC. So convincing that he really wanted to fix things, but then when push came to shove he just dropped the ball and started slipping back into his cold and distant behaviors. Now he is so convincing that he wants a D but won't do anything about it. But then again he is like that with everything. His car was supposed to be getting fixed but I haven't seen it since July--no word on what is going on with it. Now he is supposed to be getting another car which was supposed to be here 3 weeks ago. Still no news on that. He just can't execute any plans.

My new job is a blessing. Not only because of the financial freedom, but also because of the amount of work involved--it takes up all of my time. It is a great distraction. During the week I feel like I can go on like this for a while, but then the weekend comes and it feels like the world is crumbling beneath my feet. I am dreading my holiday vacation coming up and I probably will just take the kids and stay with family for most of it. I'm sure that is what he is banking on as well.

I told myself, after Thanksgiving, that I would start the D process before New Year's. The clock is ticking and I still haven't made an appointment with the lawyer. I don't want to be the one to pull the trigger. But I know that I no longer want to work on the marriage. I don't think there is much he could do at this point to make me think he is worth my time anymore. So I guess the tables have turned. Am I the WAW now?