KGirl - one year later

[KGirl]

Ha.. that or I just sounded desperate in my plea.

Lots to think about. It's kind of like I threw a hail mary expecting it to not work but at least I could say I left it all on the field... and then it worked, but it put the game into overtime instead of ending it..?? I had thought I was pretty far along on letting go. I had taken a ton of actions I wasn't ready to do earlier when I was holding out hope - purchasing some bigger ticket household items that H got in the property split, changing my address officially with USPS (which he got notifications about and pointed out to me when I saw him Sunday), cancelled a particular insurance he was on, changed my address with work. I was feeling pretty confident about being on the right path. Then we talked and something changed, I don't know what exactly, but he seemed reluctant and hesitant and regretful.

I've been thinking about this obvious gesture thing. I'm conflicted, because I feel like he's not the type of person to make a big grand gesture and wanting that is like wanting a cat to bark. It's something that I (emphasis on I) would like but is not really him and I have to decide if it's a deal breaker or not. I don't think I want it to be, it's not a hill worth dying on... I mean, I was kind of upset with him for awhile after we got engaged because it wasn't big enough or surprising enough. I need to be able to accept the small gestures. It brings to mind a post labug had where her H quietly put his ring back on one day, and she commented that the old labug would have been upset that there wasn't a big ceremony or something like that. Now she could appreciate it for what it was, even if it wasn't grand (or am I way off base in comparing these things?)

I don't want a purely sexual R. I have no intention of that happening if we do dinner. Sex would certainly have meaning for me and I'm not interested in doing it casually, so nope, not going there. I am not going to let my other parts or underwear or whatever rule there ; ) I consider this (and here is where maybe H and I differ, it's hard to tell based on this response) kind of like a first date. You don't know where it will go with the person, but you're checking it out. I could just as easily decide "nope, he's not what I want, still a jerk, at least I confirmed that." Or he could say "sorry, but I'm firm on my decision." Or maybe not. Who knows. So I don't *think* I have expectations, because I know the chances of this changing anything about the path before us are pretty low, but I do have a little hope that it *might*. Or maybe it will help me confirm that what I saw Sunday was just a temporary show to get me in bed and not real. I think I would rather take the opportunity and still having the same outcome (which would be sad, yes, but not anything worse than how it's already been), than to not take it and always wonder what might have happened if I had. I don't know, I'm still undecided. But I will certainly keep you updated if anything happens!