Mozza (6) + List of success stories

[Mozza]

Welcome back, 25yearsmlc! I hope you had a good time. We're glad to see you around.

Regarding the school, it's a matter of cultural differences. Imagine British in-laws who believe that all US elementary schools are crap, the accent is wrong, and the language is trashy. I don't try too hard to make sense of it. My W goes to see her parents over the holidays, so I expect the topic to come up again when she's back or even before.

I thought you said your w had an affair before this one. (My memory for these important details is failing me at the moment--I was up traveling too late, my apologies).

Yes, in 2009 she had an EA then short PA with a coworker. He was married with kids but told her he was crazy in love with her and would divorce. She almost left me (and D6 who was D1 at the time). She confessed and I forgave her. Four years later, he met her briefly and said he was still in love. She thought he was pathetic.

IF this is not the first affair, then maybe she's not in the group of wives who were
"missing an element INSIDE the Marriage",

and more in the group of wives for whom there is an essential element missing in THEM

What do you think?

I think it's both.

I recognize my shortcomings in the M. My W complained to me, in writing in April, about me being a factor in her unhappiness. She told me that she didn't look forward to my return from business trips, that she wasn't thrilled to come back home, etc. She felt she couldn't be herself, she was too criticized,, she was walking on eggshells, that I love the person I want her to be not who she is, etc. She'd observed that I would cuddle the kids and not her. I didn't react well to this, mostly telling her she was wrong and ignoring it. I took her for granted and didn't address these issues quickly. She felt abandoned emotionally. I'm ashamed of this and I now see an IC, I read books and I'm here to learn to be better. This S has changed me and I want the changes to last, if only for my own good.

My W also has unrealistic expectations of love. She thinks that everlasting romantic, exciting love exists. She's very influenced by TV and movies (Love Actually, Sex and the City, Gossip Girl, etc.) and wishes she could love and be loved like this forever. I can tell you that after two pregnancies, with two young kids, periods of unemployment, joint accounts and credit cards, it was not movie-like romantic. She left me to gun for the eternal high. I asked her when she left if she thought that high would last forever (didn't know about OM then) and she said "yes". That's her in a nutshell.

That's why I see hope in my sitch: my W can only be disappointed by OM. The fact that they move in together is actually a good thing because it will normalize their R, bring in routine rather than excitement (they work together in a small place, so it'll be 24/7). Also, our issues are solvable and I was a good H in many other ways, something she acknowledged several times, even during the BD talks. Love was just not exciting enough and I was criticizing her too much. Hopefully, she'll come back to test the waters and see if real, lasting change is possible.

So, all in all, do I keep my distances or do I engage her when she initiates contact? She's still with OM and he's moving in in January.