Angry WAH blames me for everything.......

[Calibri]

Wow you are so early in this. Slow down, take some deep breaths. Let the dust settle. You're very much in fix-it mode.

I agree. I want to fix it. But I know that I can't fix it. But I still want to try and fix it anyway.

What significance does this have for you and your actions? I'm not saying it doesn't but try to put this in perspective.

Loaded question -- I think. If he has bipolar, I don't know. Having lived with a bipolar parent, it's not a path that I'm sure I want to go down, which is hypocritical because I have just as equal of a chance of trigger bipolar. But that's what it is. But I don't think he's bipolar. The anger I can deal with, if the tools are there and he's willing to work on it.

Again, a lot of mind-reading.

But about your last sentance, really?

Think about that from a non-emotional perspective. You love this man, right?

Yes, I love this man. Yes, I want what's best for him. But I would like for it to be with me. The frustrating thing is, right now, there are more issues in play than just me. There's issues from his childhood. There's issues from past employers. I'm the one getting the brunt of everything right now. I don't know when/if he would ever confront the issue with his parents. He can't confront issues with past employers, because well, he doesn't work for them. So, it's just me and our relationship that's under the microscope.

I know you're trying to make sense of all this but does it move YOU forward.

You want to fix him, you have the answers, this or that is what you would do...

Let it go. Hand his life back to him and let him solve his problems. He deserves that.

No, it doesn't move me forward. It leaves me stuck going round and round asking why. Do I want to fix him, believe it or not, no. I would like for him to solve his problems. But it frustrates me to see plainly what he cannot. But like you said, let it go. It's his problem.

Why did you have to tell him anything? Would you agree that ultimatums rarely ever work in the long run?

Because I felt like he should know........? And no, ultimatums usually don't work. Ever.

And that's bad because...?

Point taken.

So does he need to work on himself? From your description it sure sounds like it.

Yes, he absolutely does need to work on himself. Otherwise it'll be the same story down the road for him, in his life.

What kid of impact do you want to have on him?

A positive one. One that changes his life, but in a good way. One that makes him want to stay (if that's whats best for us both).

You can't control his parents. I have a son with metal illness and I'm sure a lot of people would have input in to how I'm not doing my job as a parent right.

All I can say is let it go. Allow him to face whatever he needs to face without pushing from you.

No, the depression isn't at all a sweet deal, and that's not at all what I'm referencing, although I can see how it's inferred by the way I worded it. What I'm saying is that, he's not having to face responsibilities in life right now, because both his parents and I have shouldered the burden so that he doesn't have to. It's frustrating, that's all, being left behind to deal with it all, but it's the same for every left behind spouse, I imagine.

And I know I can't change or control his parents. I've known that for a LONG TIME. There's just alot of family dynamic there that contributes to this and it's.....frustrating. And hard.

Who do you want to be Calibri? Who are you? That's who you need to let him see, not someone created to get hi back but who you really are. Your authentic self.

Ok, this is where I struggle. I have been (at least I believe) my authentic self the entire time of our relationship. Have I been my best authentic self? No, absolutely not. The last two years have been tough on me and therefore I've been less pleasant to deal with. I don't want to change the core of who I am. But I would like to be more compassionate, less hard, and less controlling. And, I have to admit, I'm having an issue with the control thing, although I realize that I have control tendencies. I never thought that I was controlling in our R, because it wasn't something that I was purposely doing. I never woke up and thought, "hey, I'm going to control H by doing this, that and the other." I'm having a really hard time accepting this and reflecting upon it. And trying to figure out how to change it.

Why is that?

I've always spoken my mind about things. It's a habit that's tough to break. That's why it's hard for me to bite my tongue. Unfortunately, there's only so many times I can get railed on before I get fed up with it. Which is probably something else I can work on.

Make your own rules. No contact. Get your act together, decide who you want to be in all this and then be it.

Drop your need to control. To be right (you sound like your mothering him. that's me being very honest)

You have the choice to get off the roller coaster. Don't let fear control you.

I absolutely feel like a mother some days. I don't like that role, yet I keep stepping into it, because of old patterns that come from both of us. That's something that HAS to stop. He felt like a caretaker, well, I felt like his mother. So, we both have roles that we didn't like.

Thank you labug for the perspective and the questions and observations. It's helping me with my journey. I appreciate your time and insight.