Nice hearing from you Smurf, thanks once again T2 and Jack!
I really think that the stress of my business not working, the IRS problems, having no money, trying to pass an exam, etc. is just adding so much pressure to the D sitch it's holding me back from just being able to deal. I have found that I am much better when I'm not worrying about how I'm going to pay my bills and afford food. It's almost like I reach a point where I just can't hold it all and it all over flows and I think how much easier this would all be if my W hadn't bugged out. Right now I need to fight past the tendency to just "shut down" when I get over-whelmed by it all and just keep moving forward. It just seems like just when I am making progress, it's my W that finds some new way to slow me down and add more and more stress. Every time I have started to feel like I'm going to make it, that I will get this one important thing done (like passing my exams), my W finds some new thing to distract me from my goal. If she would just leave me be for just long enough to get through one important thing, that would allow me some breathing room but she won't. What she doesn't seem to understand is all that she is doing is making me less likely to give up anything that I don't absolutely have to in the D. She really can't be rational when it comes to this and really thinks that she is totally going to get whatever she wants and is being "more than fair" but ignores the facts....typical irrational thinking from an MLCer. Her inability to see things as they really are and were over the years is making the whole process so much harder. She talks about things that happened 20 years ago like it was yesterday and "forgets" all the things that happened since. It's like dealing with a teenager but the stakes are so much higher.
T2, I really hope that I can get the chance to experience what you describe. I can see what you are saying about "real" trust. Looking back I can see all the hoops I jumped through trying to make my W happy and can see how I tried to "justify" it all in my own mind. How many times I would tell myself I made a promise to always be there for my W no matter how she acted. I see now just how damaged she really was and is and nothing I could have done would have made a bit of difference. She is going to have to realize on her own that she is the only one who can change, really and permanently change, the misery (her word) she feels and has felt for so long. Just today I heard something on the radio about a writer who was depressed. He had a great wife, his work was winning awards, he was making more money than he ever thought possible, in short his life was exactly what he always wanted it to be. But he also was so sad and depressed he almost committed suicide. It didn't matter how "good" his life was all he was able to feel was misery. I really think this is what my W went through and still is. She just can't see the good in anything because it all is clouded by her depression. She wants to believe that by leaving her M she will no longer be depressed. She stopped taking her meds when she left because she said she knew it was her M that caused her depression. She is desperate to stop the pain and wants to believe that just by D'g me, it will all just magically go away. I do have compassion for her sitch. It must be horrible to live like that but at the same time there is no reason for her to try and make my life worse, hold me back from just moving on.
Jack, you may be very right. The way my W thinks and see's things is just so skewed. She really believes the crazy stuff that any sane person would know couldn't be the real facts. I will give this lawyer a chance to try and come to terms. If I really feel he doesn't do a good enough job, maybe by the time we get to that point I will be in my new job and able to hire a better lawyer.
Thanks guys, I very much appreciate all your help. I am feeling so very low right now and it's hard to get all that I need to done in this state of mind. But the more I allow myself to get sidetracked, the worse things will become and the more pressure I will be under. Thanks for helping me get moving again!
