Matt, I have been following your posts for a long time, and meaning to post everytime there was correlation to my situation. So that would have been many many times.
I can only advise at this stage to let go, and go with the flow.
It reminds me of the Serenity Prayer adopted by AA
Like you, I wound myself up, as to the why's and wherefores as to why this was happening to me, to the extent I had a heartattack.
I now look back, and know my wife was not worth it, does not deserve headspace for what she has done to my kids and me. I am so much better off without her, and you will get there oneday. The quicker route is letting go.
I know! easier said than done !
Matt, I second that thought ^^^. And can say things have turned out similarly. My boys and I are better off without her as she is. My youngest took stbxw to task about the last 3 years last week, about how he felt she wasn't there for him or anyone else but herself, how selfish she was and still is, and some other things which she would not share with me.
The truth does prevail in the end, Matt. Maybe not as quickly as we would prefer, but it still does eventually.
As far as your feelings and thoughts about trust? True, the kind and level of trust we had for our spouses will be difficult to re-establish, BUT...and this is just from my sitch and perspective, once you recover and start interacting with mentally and emotionally healthy people that what you experienced as trust wasn't what trust necessarily is, maybe that a different need/fear of ours was coloring our definition.
With stable, healthy people who have done the work on themselves, know themselves, and that they have learned that they are responsible for their own happiness, trust looks completely different. It's much better, and more true, imo.
Let me toss an idea out...
The blind trust we had was a necessary internal justification we created for all the hoops and stuff we went through trying to "make" our spouses happy (which we know now we don't have the power to do). Just a thought to noodle over.
Back to priorities...keep plugging away at the training, being there for your awesome D's...keep putting one foot in front of the other and YOU WILL get to the other side. Trust the process, trust yourself, trust God.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
