Angry WAH blames me for everything.......

[labug]

Wow you are so early in this. Slow down, take some deep breaths. Let the dust settle. You're very much in fix-it mode.

I believe him to be manipulative right now. Me, his parents, possibly his IC. I would agree that he may not realize what he's doing, but he started handling this the way he always has. Avoid avoid avoid. Now it's too big to avoid. I believe he's waiting on someone (other than me) to tell him what to do. Because he's never had to handle bailing himself out of a crisis. Someone's always done it for him. Which is why I think (partially) he's stalled where he is.

Lots of mind-reading here. We all manipulate, some more than others. He may be waiting for help or not. But the answer for you is the same.

Let him live his life.

And if he has some issues like Bipolar Disorder or Personality Disorder, then he won't see anything the same way you see it. It would be good to determined that he has or not those kind of mental issues. It makes a world of difference if he is diagnosed and takes the correct medication. He becomes just normal again. The fact that he did start acting this way after his family reunion just show that it could be the trigger for all meltdown.

I don't think he has bipolar, and neither does his IC, my IC, or our doctor. I (along wither everyone else) think he's bottled up way too much [censored] for 31 years, and it finally came spewing out. He's always controlled his anger, controlled his emotions, and I think something "broke" for a lack of better words and it's all coming out. I read something that said people who bottle up their feelings and anger finally reach a trigger point and everything comes out -- and when it does it's usually explosive, destructive and out of left field. I can attest to that. That's been the last three months at my house.

What significance does this have for you and your actions? I'm not saying it doesn't but try to put this in perspective.

I think he wants someone to tell him what to do. Because he has no idea what's going on, because he's never dug deep within himself and identified the issues that he has. Does he want to be less moody and volatile - absolutely. This isn't a walk in the park for him. But if I tried to reframe it from his perspective, I would imagine he's looking for himself in all of this. Which is why the R is not a priority to him. And realistically, I know it shouldn't be. But I don't relish in the thought of him finding himself at the expense of me or our M.

Again, a lot of mind-reading.

But about your last sentance, really?

Think about that from a non-emotional perspective. You love this man, right?

I don't think he wants to be anywhere near me, personally. Just from his actions and his words. But I'm in the middle of the trees and can't see the forest. I do think that I represent his failures and his perceived inferiority.

H has low self esteem from his childhood and dealing with his alcoholic M. I think he never had a chance to develop his self esteem because he was too busy dealing with the volatile nature of his mother, the house he grew up with, being a teen with the weird mother, etc. He's often articulated to me that he wishes that he could be like me, from a confidence standpoint as well as a conflict standpoint. He sees me as someone who has their life together, who doesn't face trials and tribulations (ha!) or if I have conflict, I generally take it head on and solve it. I believe his comparison of himself, to me, has made him feel worse about himself and our relationship. And I've tried to tell him, he can't compare himself to me - it doesn't work that way. But it's just fuel to the fire at this point.

He yelled at me, early on in all this, in a fit of rage, that he never had a voice in our relationship. This is his perception, but it's far from my truth. Any big decisions, I always talked with him about. Every time he has said no, I've respected his wishes. I always sought his input with everything from my own personal matters to our relationship matters. But what I think he's saying, is that he wanted to say more and didn't feel comfortable saying it -- because he was trying to please me. Or be a good husband. Which, I never asked for. He assumed that he had to modify his behavior to make ME happy. He's had a voice, all along, he just hasn't used it or realized until it exploded in his face that he needed to articulate more. For himself, not for me.

I know you're trying to make sense of all this but does it move YOU forward.

You want to fix him, you have the answers, this or that is what you would do...

Let it go. Hand his life back to him and let him solve his problems. He deserves that.

I'm going to sound like a bratty teenager. But I've told him this. He doesn't care. Or, I should rephrase this to say -- I've told him this, but I don't know how much of the information other than I was to work on the M he is retaining.

Why did you have to tell him anything? Would you agree that ultimatums rarely ever work in the long run?

I'm already getting time and space. He's not in any place where he wants to hear anything, if that makes sense? If I tell him that I'm going to give myself time to work on my own issues, he'll just say "ok" and not initiate conversation -- which is pretty much where we're at right now.

And that's bad because...?

Again, I'm sounding like a bratty teenager -- but he isn't thinking of anyone or anything other than himself right now. Those are his own words. He knows that I'm struggling. But, it's not really making a (from my perception) impact on him. I get "I know this is hard on you, I'm sorry." And that's it.

So does he need to work on himself? From your description it sure sounds like it.

What kid of impact do you want to have on him?

Exactly! And really? Why would he face his issues? What's his motivation? His parents are paying for him to live in a hotel, buying food, paying for his therapy. I have access to his pay check and I'm making sure that the mortgage and bills at our house get paid. I'm making sure the animals are taken care of. All he has to do is go to work and go to his hotel room and EVERYONE ELSE takes care of the messes behind him. While I realize this is not easy for him at all and he's in a dark place --- but, he's got a pretty sweet deal. All of the responsibilities are being handled by someone else, he isn't getting pressure from anyone, he doesn't have to do anything except go to work. And even that's optional. He could quit his job right now and his parents would continue to fund this.

Depression is never a sweet deal.

You can't control his parents. I have a son with metal illness and I'm sure a lot of people would have input in to how I'm not doing my job as a parent right.

All I can say is let it go. Allow him to face whatever he needs to face without pushing from you.

don't know how to show him the fragile side? He's been with me 10 years. He's seen my cry and wracked with insecurities. He's seen me struggle with issues, he's seen me absolutely gutted by all of this. And honestly, I don't know if he would believe anything, because he has built me up as the big bad wolf in his head. And when I've tried to show humbleness, or fragility, or how I'm really feeling -- it's met with apathy or ambivalence. And then I get angry. And then we start the cycle round and round again.

Who do you want to be Calibri? Who are you? That's who you need to let him see, not someone created to get hi back but who you really are. Your authentic self.

I know I need to STFU. And for the most part I've been doing it. But there's only so much that I can sit and bite my tongue before the blood starts pouring out of my mouth and I have to spit it out.

Why is that?

I've said this in my response to TLEE -- but with communication -- it's now his rules, his way. And I don't know the rules because they change, daily, right along with his moods. He doesn't want to talk if he's tired. Or if he's in a bad mood. Or if he's not feeling it. Or if the sky is blue. He has boundaries in his head but he doesn't articulate them, but gets mad when I step over them -- not on purpose, but rather because I'm not aware of them.

Make your own rules. No contact. Get your act together, decide who you want to be in all this and then be it.

Drop your need to control. To be right (you sound like your mothering him. that's me being very honest)

You have the choice to get off the roller coaster. Don't let fear control you.