Had a good session with my IC today. We started working on finding myself.
He pointed out how it was when I arrived there for the first time. I couldn't stop crying, blaming myself for the D, feeling like the worse person in the world.
He told me how much I have been growing and changing. He said that is very obvious that my perspectives about life in general have changed and for the better.
He asked what be a save place I could go to feel better about myself or when I am feeling depressed or anxious. It was hard to decide on a safe place, it is like I never tough about a safe place.
He asked me what is one thing that have been bothering me lately. I said that it is procrastinating. He then explain that procrastination is a result of fear.
Then I told him that one of my issues is fear. My insecurities, anxiety, complex of inferiority is all related to fear.
That's one big thing I had w/H. I felt really strong when he was around, I basically knew he always got my back. When he was away, I always felt I couldn't be complete. I that's what I need to work hard now, finding myself and being myself without much fear.
We started doing the EMDR program, then he asked me to close my eyes and go to my safe place, which I chose to be the beach. I started good, saw the water, the waves. Then I started following a lady that was walking along the beach, I noticed that it start getting dark, ugly dark, then I noticed that the lady was me and instead of walking on the sand, she was walking on mud. At this point my chest was hurting, I felt really uncomfortable.
He stop and said we will need to go very slow, this will be a long and painful process. IC wants me to exercise of finding a safe place. IC said that it is very important we find a safe place in order to start working on the hard issues. When I start the hard stuff then I will need to came back to my safe place.
I think the only word that comes to my mind now is HOPE. I am very hopeful that I start cleaning my issues then I will be a better person in a better place.
My emotions are very mixed up right now. Got very depressed reading and following KGirl's sitch. It was like I was feeling all her pain. In some ways I could see myself going through the final bid D and it is not pretty.
Well, I know it's not going to be easy but I need to do this once for all. Have been running from myself my whole life. It's time to smell the coffee and change. Not small or fake changes, but changes in my core as a person.
I have so much to learn, I feel like starting kindergarten all over again.
I mention that this Board have been helping me to keep an eye on the prize, better myself, detachment, boundaries. He is familiar with Michelle's work and agree with it.
Thanks to all of you, I think that reading other peoples conflicts, stories, successes, failures, pain, hurts have been helping me a lot. I find myself being normal e honest, it is amazing how much this board has been helping me to became a person I always want to be.
