My waking nightmare

[Lorelai]

Wanted to share really quick some very minor developments. I called H last night after the kids were in bed. Please hold the 2x4s. I expressed to him openly and honestly that it's frustrating when S3 is having behavioral issues (we had a really tough night last night.) D1.5 is screaming and I'm the only adult in the house. He was very understanding and said he needed to be around more. I was at first approaching him more as a friend and a co-parent, the same as I would a close colleague whose help I needed on a difficult project. But of course, emotions always crop up, especially for me, and some R talk did come up in the conversation. I told H part of the reason some of this parenting (at least mostly) solo stuff is a little more challenging is because there is so much uncertainty in my life right now. He said that we would be able to resolve it more in the new year, to which I said "So are you dropping a divorce in my lap in January?" He said he wasn't going to make any snap decisions and that was pretty much all he said, other than expressing annoyance at the mind-reading I was doing.
H seemed interested in my idea of maybe having coffee or spending some time talking away from the kids, to maybe see if we could possibly start getting to know each other once again. He also seemed open to doing couples counseling the new year. I've already met with a marriage counselor shortly after BD who is very pro-marriage and well versed in DB and DR.
This morning H came to watch the kids while S3 was still at preschool and D1.5 was still sleeping. I was in the shower, and I came into the bedroom to get dressed and he was lying under the covers, which totally scared me when I saw a big lump! We both shared a laugh, something we haven't done in a long time, and I teased him for trying to frighten me. We used to joke around like that all the time. After D1.5 woke up, she played with some toys while I worked on my laptop in the kitchen on a deadline for work and he worked in the living room. It was a very peaceful morning. Normally I rush out the door when I see H, but today I decided to stay, partly because I had to get something done right away for work and also because it is my house too and I felt comfortable being at home this morning. After I got S3 off the bus, our neighbor, whose son also rides the bus, invited him over for a playdate, then d1.5 had lunch and took an early nap, so we had the house to ourselves.
Nothing happened, but I felt like it was OK to test the waters a little and at least approach H about some of the things we had talked about the night before. I know his LL is physical touch, and while it seems at moments he doesn't want me near him, I took a chance and instead of yelling across the room, "Hey H, can I talk to you..." I walked over, sat beside him and put my hand on his leg and gently said, the house is quiet, S3 is next door, might be a good time to talk a little." H seemed more responsive than usual. I said while I'm open and willing to accept whatever outcome, I think it would be better to invest our money and resources in working on our relationship, letting go of the old marriage and focusing on a new start rather than going straight for the D option. He said it would be challenging and I said so would D. He said that's true. I also talked about the possibility of renovating our garage, which we're using for storage, into an extra room since our house is really small and it would give H some extra space, a place to work (he doesn't have a designated office space and that has created a lot of tension in the house) and a place to just chill out. He said he doesn't want to invest any more money into this house. (Heart sink right there! ) But I stayed calm. "OK," I said, "It's just something to think about." He agreed, and even said we would have to see how much it would cost. We talked very briefly about the marriage and H said he never intended for things to end up the way they did. I assured him I didn't either and that he would be surprised at how different things would be should we ever reconcile. (I know I need to "show" changes, not "tell" them.)
He also said it seemed like we were having a pretty good day as a family today with us both working at home. Meaning—no arguing, no tension. The day actually flowed really well and was peaceful. I definitely noticed so I'm glad H did too.
So he's thinking... This is good... But I'm still not going to Christmas Eve dinner with him and the kids... This is not good.
I am not as detached as I'd like to be, but there's days when I'm stronger and more detached and days like today and last night when I decide to do a quick temp check. I'm not totally dissatisfied with the reading, but I know we still have a long way to go and I have to keep my expectations low, way low, almost non-existent... Time to call a DB coach probably... I know I broke a lot of rules today.