Well, after having to push back a bit last week when H crossed my boundaries with some snide comments, it appears as if we have had a bit of a shift again.
The other night he was here and was doing his old "ignoring me" routine. It's not like I chatter on and on, just said something, then repeated it, he didn't respond---finally I asked if he heard me and he said, "yeah". (RUDE!!!!!) I said I thought perhaps he'd left the room, to which he said "Well it wasn't a direct question so I didn't think I needed to reply."
It was just small talk, but since I rarely see him and I'm alone all the time and he was sitting not ten feet from me, and the comment was about him specifically, it was just his passive-aggressive crap and I wasn't having any of it.
After BD he did this ALL THE TIME. Would just ignore me if I said anything, not even grunt that he'd heard me. Got irritated if I said more than two sentences... he was back to this last week, snipping at me on the phone, really short with me. Wanted to relay his info and clearly was annoyed that I even said "Oh, that's interesting..." whatever...
Anyhow, I didn't react, that I knew of, but he must have been watching me because he caught it. I was getting ready to go out. (Looking HAWT!!!!) and he asked: "So---what did I do to piss you off so much?"
(Here's me, hadn't said a word, didn't make a sound, didn't think I'd communicated my annoyance with his ignoring me. He's a good observer.)
Anyhow, I said. "It's just me. I guess I have an expectation that by this point, you'd be able to be in a room with me and not act like I have the plague, that we'd be at a place where if one of us spoke, the other would respond in a friendly and supportive manner. But that's just my expectation, not a demand on you. You are free to respond however you like. My frustration is only that I had an expectation, and it was not met."
He said---nothing.
So I left...forgot my scarf and came back in, and he was all nice and chatty...offered a solution for my car, and was extra nice to me. Taking a page from Jim's playbook(!) I took this as his "apology"... and said I was sorry if I came off snippy, it's not my intent. I told him that I was just---sensitive--to the interactions between us and I would try to toughen up a bit more.
That was Saturday. Since then he's been nice as pie. Still no communication during the day from him, but I do not initiate AT ALL. If he writes a two word text to me, I don't respond.
I am "training" him for what I want. REAL COMMUNICATION. So I am very pleasant, funny, helpful and nice when he calls. I call him back promptly, and I respond to his nice texts/emails with nice ones of my own.
So 90% warmth or sometimes 100%.
He sent me an email about Ukulele playing, a link he found, and this is unusual because he HATED my ukulele playing in general. I consider that a peace offering. ---------------------------------------------------------------
One thing I have been looking for is for him to do something nice for me without me asking. Now he's been doing that for a few days.
For the first time in almost a year he asked me if I "needed anything" while he was on his way here. (This he used to do every day before BD, but never since.)
He spent quite a bit of time researching something I needed for my upcoming trip, went to three different stores, and finally gave me a solution I could do myself, apologizing for not being able to get what I needed. (I hadn't even asked him to do this, he OFFERED! This is NEW!)
He now calls on a regular basis. He is giving me his whereabouts consistently. He is doing small things for me without me having to ask. He is offering, as I've wanted him to do.
I know a few of you thought I was being a bit harsh with him when he pushed my buttons, but I think he needed to know that I was still "me" and wasn't going to take any chit!
I think perhaps my "nice a pie" routine might have started to come off a bit phony. I am a strong sort, and although I can be all sweet and compassionate, I also don't brook any nonsense.
The fact remains that H doesn't respect people who allow others to walk all over them.
((STARSKY!!!! <3 ))))
So I had to find my girlie balls and let 'em swing free for a few days. It seemed to clear up a few things, anyway.
That's the latest, DBers.
I'll be traveling between now and Jan 3 or so, but I'll be checking in regularly. I want to make sure nobody drowns in the Eggnog...
---(G)GGG PS: When did I get a smiley next to my name? I like it! Did I do that?
