But let me say that words will mean little, beyond a heartfelt apology for your actions. When the time is right, per your peanut gallery here.
But a sincere apology consists of stating the ways you believe you hurt her, based on what she said. "I am so deeply sorry for having made you feel...whatever she felt"
You take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for your actions 100%. No, she's not perfect, but right now this is about how YOU made mistakes.
No deflecting, no "buts", or "becauses". You did what you did, you caused her pain, and you regret your actions.
No excuses: "I didn't know it was hurting you..." because after the first go-round, you DID know. "I didn't have the right help/support/info..." While that may be true to some extent, it shifts the blame.
If you didn't have the right program, then it was your responsibility to find another one, and another one...until you got it right.
You stopped trying and started hiding.
You show REAL REMORSE for harming your relationship. You RECOGNIZE the harm that it has done by sharing more with her, ways it caused distance between you that might not have occurred to her.
You TELL THE TRUTH. If she blows up, take a break, then you keep telling the truth. Her getting angry or crying is not am excuse to quit unless SHE wants to stop talking about it. You answer all her questions, no matter how it pains you. But be sensitive--you will feel under attack and there will be a tendency to think: "Okay. You want to hear all the gory details? Here ya GO!!!"
Underline this whole convo with how much you love her, always did, that she is beautiful and desirable and how your actions in no way diminished that. It was about you and your issues and not her at all.
That if you had it to do over again, with your eyes wide open, you would never, ever mistreat her like that again.
Because it was mistreating her; it was detrimental to the bond between you and it eroded so much emotional intimacy.
You tell her how you can see how it was destructive, to yourself (the shame), to her, (her self-esteem and sexual/emotional connection to you), and to your marriage, (because a healthy partnership cannot exist when there are secrets.)
There is a difference between secrecy and privacy. The first destroys R, the second is a healthy personal boundary.
Don't confuse the two.
Now all this ^^^ is just the talking part.
It means exactly nothing without a serious plan in place to get healthy and rid yourself of this crutch.
For her to pay any attention to what you say, you HAVE to prove you're serious. Long term. And don't expect her to turn cartwheels when you're just starting the road to recovery.
Anyone can START a path to recovery.
What she's going to be looking for is long term, consistent change, and PROOF of this change.
Willingness for 100% transparency, no more lies (which are the worst, really), accountability---all done ON YOUR OWN without her asking.
No wife wants be be in a situation where we're the "police". It's horrible. We want you to do it on your own and the results will speak for themselves.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
