Card29 VII

[GoatGal]

Hey Card,

Well, there is a LOT here... is there something specific you wanted some insight about?

I understand how your W reacting to your porn use in a shaming way, instead of in a compassionate one, didn't help your recovery at the time.

But understand, it wasn't her job to help you feel better about something that was hurtful to her. IF she gets to a place where she is willing to work with you on that, then that's something she'll need to learn. She was hurt, and that's how hurt people react.

I don't think most women would flip out if they found that their partners looked at porn on occasion. But the situation you described is different.

When there is secrecy, lying/hiding... when it because a guilty-pleasure that you're unwilling (or unable) to give up, when you know it bothers your partner, yet you keep doing it and just hide it better, when it starts having a negative impact on your relationship in general (secrets will do that) and your sex life in particular, (she felt like she was just a body/parts), then yes. It's a real problem.

For me, I began to feel like my H was really only interested in my body, not me as a person. AT ALL. Any compliments were very vulgar... I never heard "You look beautiful". I got a leering..."NICE BOOBIES!!!!"

It was very objectifying. And over time, degrading. I really started to feel like I wasn't even there in bed. I started to disassociate myself from the experience because it became that unpleasant. I didn't understand why at the time. I loved my H, and yet I was feeling more and more repulsed.

It has taken hindsight and information to finally understand what was going on.
For lack of a better word, in this situation the woman becomes a masturbation tool. (Sorry for the frank wording folks, but that's the REALITY of this situation.)

I felt exactly like that ^^^^. And it did NOT make me feel loved AT ALL. I felt used, and dirty, and I didn't know why.
And when I complained about the disconnect, I was told I wasn't attractive to him, or I wasn't enthusiastic about acting out his fantasies.

And let me say--he was not the LEAST bit interested in changing any of his repertoire to please me. Not ever. Any attempt was once, and half-hearted at best.
He just wanted what he wanted.

Lucky for me, I'm easy to please, if you get my drift.

But still, it became unbearable.

Sorry for the TMI, but just so you understand how we wives start to feel.
When guys are over involved with porn, it SPILLS OVER into HOW THEY TREAT US.

And not in a good way.

---(G)GGG